All Things Come In Waves~~

Balance

2011-11-12T15:19:00.000-08:00

every thing is

balance

we strive for balance

we struggle

because we are out of

balance

we yearn for balance

we need balance

koyaanisqatsi

too much

is not balanced

to compete or compare

is not balanced

to lack

is to lack balance

when we feel empty

we have no balance

how

how do you find balance?

it materializes with

no fanfare or noise

escapes us like vapor

powaqqatsi

balance in

little things

one thing at a time

in the now

balance in

silent minds

peaceful heart

clear mind and heart

open, receptive,

humble.

balance in

giving and

loving others

sharing in love

and peace.

balance when we

fight the currents

of false alarm

and urgency.

balance when

we remember

what is

and always will

be important.

balance in not

getting absorbed

by the little picture

but the grand

masterpiece

of everything

and every one.

balance in love

is love

always

as a nautilus shell.

Our first game

2011-09-17T10:28:00.000-07:00

versus KIPP...it was a close game. I really believe the girls tried their hardest, and were nervous because most of them didn't know what to expect...most didn't know what a game looked like/haven't played an official game before/never watched a game. Also, playing in a gym is very different indeed than playing indoors. Personally, I LOVE the gym. I will still play VB outside anytime, but inside makes the game feel REAL. I love the sound when someone bumps a volleyball in a quiet gym, a deep boom with a low echo. I love the clear boundaries, the controlled air environment--a controlled environment so players can truly focus on their body, awareness, and the game.

DREAM LODGE

2011-09-15T05:03:00.000-07:00

I recall not wanting to wake up because I was dreaming of the x-men....

I recall also something like my family was trying to get on some tv show, but there were snags, and I was trying to find something to wear in a closet. I ask from a banister upstairs in whatever house I'm in if it'll be cold, Maki says "Yes it will be cold tonight."

I recall wearing an elaborate witch hat but it was heavy so i eventually took it off outside a popular hangout spot and lost it.

I also recall taking a bath and then going out to that popular hangout spot, wrapped in a black towel. In the dream I don't really care about it, I have my black dress with me. I put the dress on tactfully without showing myself. People watch but I don't care.

Epiphany #2 early Sunday morning while cooking grits.

2011-09-11T06:08:00.000-07:00

"Use visual art as an outlet to express feelings you probably shouldn't say in a room full of people."

Still traumatized by my bad choices obviously, but something good:

while cooking breakfast this morning I have a vision of myself heavy into visual art, something I really dive into. A vision of my house, on the walls I will have my thoughts actualized into art, things I hold in all day at school or in public settings. A vision of this art on walls of public settings; through art, now, instead of holding it in, there I am screaming it loud and proud--and in color! A vision of people celebrating my self-expression. A vision of me celebrating, too.

I have realized that it is very hard for me to keep my mouth shut and censor myself; when I hold it in, I get diarrhea of the mouth. It's so disgusting. When these things happen I feel overwhelming tides of shame, embarrassment, guilt, terrible ugliness. Sometimes this overtakes me and I feel like destroying something in my environment. But I never do this--I live minimally and anything I might destroy will be hard to replace. So instead I hit myself in the head. I really do.

It's a terrible thing, I know; but you see, the overwhelming feelings of embarrassment are really too much for me. I am a true victim of my embarrassment--especially because usually when I say something inappropriate, it's due to the fact that I HEARD SOMEONE ELSE say it to me before in casual conversation. I tend to be real and just accept how people talk. But this isn't what everyone does. Some are really sensitive or overly PC or even unaware of such classifying of people that when I do say the inappropriate thing people are equally overwhelmed (as I am later with shame) by shock and it shows on their face. "Oh, I can't believe she said that," their face might say. The shock is undeniable. Their trying to suppress their shock but it showing anyway is undeniable, too.

The whole thing makes me sick.

So to end it all, I have a vision of myself taking refuge in art. This is a beautiful and totally attainable vision. I would also love it because I need to anchor my personal life so it doesn't float away--leaving me to live a work-eat-sleep life. It is very very VERY important to maintain a personal life when a person--ESPECIALLY A WOMAN--becomes a professional. It is also very very VERY easy to become a drone. It's so subtle, that's the kicker. It's like it overtakes you like a weed in your brain, next thing you know, you're not romantic anymore, your house is a mess. You come home with thoughts of work, already thinking of work the next day. No true relaxation, centering on the spirituality, or anything. Just work. Yuck yuck yuck.

That also makes me sick.

So to end it all, I will have visual art.

Art as therapy.

Thank you Tita Jet for teaching me about art therapy. I will never forget this about you.

DREAM LODGE

2011-07-19T10:27:00.000-07:00

-a great (dot)indian feast

-my sister was in my dream, hasn't appeared in a dream that i recall ever...she was dressed as if she was to help cook, but she was just sitting on the sidelines talking with her friend mabel...

-there was a great party before, and we were all dancing

-afterwards was the feast...one indian guy was cooking, reminded me of smiral, but i don't think it was him...he had a calm disposition like smiral...

-i remember walking into the kitchen...i watched mainly, and the one thing i did to contribute was to tell the guy that the pot was getting full of water and it might overflow...since i didn't know what he was doing exactly i didn't want to intrude into his business, so instead of just turning the water off myself i felt better just alerting him...

-i remember all the great indian dishes laid out onto a big table...we were about to eat...

-i don't know why i didn't get to take part in the actual feast...i didn't actually sit down with everyone to the food...instead i (and this sounds admittedly kind of disturbing but i'm not really like this its just what i dreamt) was in bed with like two other people...one of them being an older lady with flaming red hair...like WAY old, like grandma old. and i was totally having some lesbian sexy moments with this lady...

-i remember someone walking through the room to get to another room, and i just pretended i was asleep. in my dream, i didn't really care about "getting caught"

-i remember looking up and there was a hole in the ceiling through which i could see a tin roof

-i also remember looking to my left and seeing that there were some breaks in the wall through which i could see a raw, open area of the house. i went through the holes and there were children playing, like my cousins. i played with them too

-i saw my dad. he was just sitting there smoking and supervising.

-it was then i remembered about the feast...in my dream, i was even excited about the leftovers

but that was all, i didn't get to the food...i woke up...

Positive thinking.

2011-07-02T17:37:00.000-07:00

I believe in the power of positive thinking. It has gotten me this far, I believe it will also help me through these rough times.

I publicly declare to everyone out there that I believe with all my heart and soul that positive thinking is faith. In the words of Mr. Norman Vincent Peale, "through prayer you ... make use of the great factor within yourself, the deep subconscious mind ... [which Jesus called] the kingdom of God within you ... Positive thinking is just another term for faith." He also wrote, "Your unconscious mind ... [has a] power that turns wishes into realities when the wishes are strong enough."

This is not witchcraft, not hippie garbage, but real power within us all.

So, in faith, I imagine Clay coming home from a good shift at work tonight. I will see his sweaty brow and big smile and we will both experience a moment of relief in this sea of stress. He will come up to the door and say hi to the dog and me. I also imagine him coming home with a brew or something, as a small celebration.

He will say that it was pretty busy at work, due to the flyers he made, the festival, or just because it was a weekend. Somehow, I believe this will happen.

I believe in positivity
I believe in the power of faith
I believe in my faith
I believe in my positivity
I believe in the power within myself
I believe, especially because I have moved mountains before with just my mind...when there was no other evidence it was possible except my faith in myself

I believe that July will fly right by and next thing I know I'll be working in the school. I will be loving it. I will wake up every day excited to go to work, at the thought of fulfillment from my job as a teacher. I will appreciate every day I work there, not taking anything for granted, because I have worked so long and so hard at getting to this point.

I will wake up, make coffee, take a dog for a walk, pray. I will dress up, fix my hair and makeup and go to work, chic yet modest. At the school, we will all get along and feel positive that we can improve our students' lives and the school's over all performance. We will be a strong team, working side by side with Lafayette Academy. We will have productive team meetings and parent conferences that create a strong bond between the families and the school. We will all love where we work, and the children will love us too.

I will come home, maybe get to a weekday mass. Drop Clay off at work if he's still working. Otherwise, Clay and I can make dinner together. We can relax with nice drinks and good food. I will give up smoking by then--I won't be as stressed as I used to be, so I won't feel the need to smoke.

If he is working still, I can cook dinner and have it ready for him when he gets home. I can make him a plate and warm it in the oven...

We will be able to save lots of money. We will feel more secure and less stressed. I will even be able to send a couple hundred over to my mother every check. I will feel so proud that I can finally give back to the woman who brought me into this world. I know she worries too about money so I will be so happy to be able to lift some weight from her shoulders.

We will finally get Clay to school. We will work it out together. We'll probably get married before. I will continue to work at the school because they loved me so much and saw how well the students responded to me.

We will not spend frivolously but will save the majority of our money just to save, and for Clay's school. We'll look back on all this one day and feel proud that we got through it in tact, together.

Times of Trouble

2011-06-20T10:35:00.000-07:00

In my times of trouble, I withdraw inward. Thinking about it now, it's something I've always done...as a young girl I'd get in trouble, retreat to my room, get in bed, and lay there. As a grown woman I still do that...

As one can see, I retreat to my mind, my dreams. I listen to my dreams, look for some clues. I'm not sleeping to get away, I sleep to open my mind to solutions...or if I don't sleep I'm thinking thinking thinking...I watched this movie, What Are Dreams?, that I found on Netflix...it talks about that, dissecting the whole act of dreaming, the science of it, the REM state, the pre-REM state, and the nightmares...

According to this documentary, it seems that bad dreams aren't bad at all, this is the way the mind works out troubling situations in real life. Dreams where a person is being chased, for example, harps back to the time when we were cave people, what to do if we are being chased by dangerous animals trying to eat us. Over time in my personal life, in these kinds of dreams, I have since stopped being the victim, and have learned to face those things chasing me. I've learned to attack back, and conquer.

Such as I have done in my grown waking life.

A couple posts ago, my tone was one of relief and triumph, and now with my personal financial woes (this is gonna be another tough summer), and my new car troubles, I am back in the valley again.

I think about all the other valleys I've conquered, and although this current time has a stressful air, I am not entirely succumbing to it. I've been through worse, and knowing this, I wouldn't want to find myself in any past valley I've conquered. I feel like THOSE were really tough! This car shit, and the financial woes...I'll pass over this too...like my friend was telling me last night, "Girl, you made it this far!"

Enouraging words...I really appreciated that...thought about it the whole bike ride home from work. Yes, I HAVE made it this far.

However I can't help but wonder: is this what life is about, dragging my feet through muddy situations, conquering troubling times, basking in jubilant moments? Because if so, I think I could get tired of life!

I am getting older indeed. When I was young, I was content in my suburban environment, then I got antsy in it, yearning for more like Ariel in The Little Mermaid. All the while realizing a core inside me brimming with energy, potential, creativity and awareness. In my early twenties, I found myself enthusiastically expending my energies, challenging myself with life experiences, creative projects, testing the waters, as if I was saying, "Finally! I can let myself do these things I've always wanted to do!" This was my peak I'll call "Answering the Call to Arts." Like at the end of Joyce's Portrait of the Artist as a Young Man, when Daedalus has escaped all the labyrinths of his upbringing and accepts his destiny as an artist.

Then I graduated college. It was a monumental time for me, as my mentor Jack said, "Paula, you are a bud that is about to blossom." My potential was explosive, finally catalyzing my exodus to New Orleans years later.

I was saddled with the reality that shit hit the fan and my parents couldn't pay my loans like they said they would, even though I kept my end of the bargain (finishing school). That was a "valley" moment too (I'll call it Valley of the Realization of School Debt), very harsh indeed, where I had to accept the fact that this debt, greater than any debt I could ever imagine for myself, exists and I alone would have to pay it off. That enthusiastic, creative energy I was riding on for the first half of my twenties was kind of squashed by this valley.

So then I tried to be good. I found myself as a reference librarian in the Houston Public Library. The highest paying job yet--$12/hr starting, then raised to $13! This was before the economic crisis and they had to downsize. I should've been happy. I was more/less financially stable, living close to the family, in a city that I always loved, with a boyfriend I'd had for 4 years.

PLATEAU–noun

a land area having a relatively level surface considerably raised above adjoining land on at least one side, and often cut by deep canyons.

That's a pretty heavy definition for that word. Jeez. I would call this time in my life the "It Shoulda Been Easy Plateau."

Why? Because it really SHOULD've been easy! I had a great job, it was easy, paid alot, and they loved me there. When the branch manager et. al. were pushing for me to get my Masters in Library Science, I could've done it, worked for more years at the library, maybe climb up a rank or two, and could've made my money and by now, be living on Easy Street, Houston, TX.

But I wasn't happy. I was still Ariel from The Little Mermaid. As she sang in the Disney movie,

Look at this stuff
Isn't it neat?
Wouldn't you think my collection's complete?
Wouldn't you think I'm the girl
The girl who has ev'rything?

I wanna be where the people are
I wanna see
Wanna see 'em dancin'...I want more...

Looking back, I can't believe it, I really was Ariel. I didn't really connect with her back then, but now I see. Well on the outside, it did seem like I had everything, but inside I didn't...I take full responsibility. I was living a grown-up life, but inside, I wasn't grown enough to accept and value what I had.

I had to lose it to know.

As a tinny-voiced woman sings so elegantly in an old blues song I heard on the radio one day in New Orleans, "You don't miss the water, baby, til the well runs dry."

Around this time, 2008, I was putting together my epic Heart2Heart compilation, in a band with Mark Speer (Thunderbird), was biking every week with the Montrose Bike Gang, and was getting along pretty well in the Houston creative scene. This Creative Energy was burning happily still, but it also burned with desire for more...

Also around this time my relationship was on the outs. His problems depressed him. I tried to lift his spirits but nothing worked. He needed his space. I tried to give it to him. That's when I started hanging out with someone else. I accept responsibility, like I said...I was too young to be content with the stability Houston was gifting me or give the library patrons the patience they sought after (I was a really impatient, unsympathetic librarian); also too young to understand that sometimes supporting someone means not being there for him. I had these desires I couldn't control: wanted a creative partner (didn't have to be a bf), wanted a boyfriend that didn't see me as a bother/burden/distraction, a boyfriend that wanted to go out and do stuff with me. I felt lonely, lost, and increasingly misplaced.

Back then, I would've argued that I was "pushed into being with someone else" but looking back I see that it was just the currents of life flowing, albeit roughly...

So one day, Clay (my "someone else") gets fired for smoking on the job, and evicted. I am singing that Ariel song louder than ever. Meeting at a mutual crossroads in our lives, we make the epic decision: WE ARE LEAVING HOUSTON AND GOING TO NEW ORLEANS.

Yah, it was scary. In 2008, Katrina was still in people's minds. People told me I was crazy for "reverse migrating" to the "Murder Capital of America." But we were hellbent on going. Houston was over for me. I don't even think people believed I was going until they saw my empty room, my packed bags...until they saw me at their door announcing my departure the next morning.

I lied to everyone. I said I had a job (a City Year position that didn't pay enough). Clay had one lined up since before we left Houston, at the now defunct Wolfe's. I said I had a place, I didn't, just a distant friend who said we could stay with her. Couple days after we arrive, she's leaving to chase a boy in Chicago. Her roommate lets us stay the rest of the week. Come the end, she's telling us maybe we should pay a little rent or find another place to stay. Another mutual crossroads: we say we were thinking of leaving also, no problem.

We found a hostel, India House. We stayed there til the money ran out.
In India House, we met a guy, Mike. Another leaf floating in the wind. More about him one day, maybe. All I'll say is he's one of the first friends we made here in this mean city. A real brother.

By dumb luck Clay waits on a kind man with white hair and a white mustache. He talks to him while he serves him, comes to find that he's a landlord with a nice place on 1036 St. Ferdinand Street, and he's looking for some decent tenants.

Sometimes luck isn't a lady but just a funny coincidence.

Been here ever since.

When we first arrived, it was after the Gustav evacuation. There were soldiers on Canal Street, patrolling under the big lights and palm trees with rifles slung on their shoulders. Outside of my friend's house, leaning against my car, I remember Clay and I listening to those bayou bugs singing their night songs, and Clay telling me: "So this is our new city. You gotta be careful here, and tough, or I'm tellin ya this city'll eat you alive."

Yah, there were learning curves, serious weed withdrawal, hunger pangs, weight loss due to starvation (good thing I came padded with fat reserves!). Dealing with life without the nearby support of loved ones. Back in Houston, if you need anything you can just run over to someone you know/related to and find help. As a transplant in a new city, you're alone. Not hopelessly alone, but definitely alone.

This is what it truly means to live though. I regret none of it. I can't imagine myself living otherwise, in Houston, my roots digging deeper and deeper into that city so I couldn't live anywhere else, as a librarian, without these two dogs in my life (They were strays/runaways. Who else would've been their owners if we didn't move here?)

Right before I left Houston, I had the distinct feeling of being on the cusp, about to jump into blackness--not dark, not scary, just a big UNKNOWN. I guess that was when I first embraced the UNKNOWN (actually, not true: I think the first time I embraced the UNKNOWN was when I almost drowned in the middle of a lake).

Sitting here at my computer, right now, I realized something: maybe embracing the UNKNOWN is what life is REALLY about. And not just one side of it but ALL of it...truly giving the UNKNOWN a huge, loving, accepting, welcoming embrace, and telling it, "I know you are two parts, made of jubilant moments and chaotic valleys. I will love you and accept your duality no matter what."

I feel like I have done that all this time, whether realizing it or not.
I think to persevere through valleys, one DOES have to be tough. But also, one should be open, loving and accepting of the UNKNOWN.
Faith helps (whether in God or the self, both one in the same if you ask me).
The George Harrison song is very soothing in times of valley-trekking: "All things must pass..."

And no matter what, one must never lose sight of what she has around her. Very important.

All things come in waves, definitely. I think I am currently in the "Valley of Perpetual Testing & Kharma Cleansing." Clay and I feel like we're definitely getting tested by the divine forces...perhaps to be groomed for a great destiny in the near future. If anything, it just further proves that we do get through tough times, we are indeed survivors. I think it's always that way, stacking up experience and growing like kombucha mothers.

DREAM LODGE

2011-06-20T08:49:00.000-07:00

-a performance, like in middle school band...in fact Ms. Brown was there, my middle school band director...
-for some reason we do not have music stands but tables...these tables were messy...i remember propping up my music on a few HUGE buds of the highest quality, all red
-i remember one minute they're huge buds next they're all broken up like they've been through a grinder, not of my doing...then there's me wishing they were still huge buds...
-then i'm on a road trip...feeling anxious...like when i was en route to houston via amtrak, studying nervously for my teacher's exam...
-i dream of a huge man, he is huge because he is next to us in the car, i feel the ground shake and i hear the stomp of his footsteps...even in my dream i can't believe it...
-he is not scary though, he is in a rush...getting smaller by each moment he is rushing...could this be symbolic? the more rush/stress you have, the "smaller" you become?

Finally, I'm a teacher!

2011-05-31T22:39:00.000-07:00

What does this mean?

1. 40,000/year
2. Medical, dental and vision insurance (finally!)
3. Doing meaningful work
4. I can now start *saving*
5. My days in the service industry are numbered!

Oh thank you, Divine Entity of the Universe! Finally. For anyone in a rut, or are getting worn down by not getting any results...trust me, hard work DOES pay off.

I couldn't have made it without faith...faith in the Divine, faith in myself. At a certain point, I dare say these are one in the same. I have worked for three years to get this, from the beginning of my classes in teacher certification, through City Year, through the hard-as-fuck daily grind that is the service industry of the French Quarter (I'd say one of the toughest beats there is...other than New York's service industry, I bet that's a real bitch too), through scrimping and hustling to survive, through the formidable tests put before me to get my certification.

I couldn't have made it without the love and support of my loved ones, and Clay for trusting and believing...following my lead even when it seemed we were up against impossible circumstances.

I couldn't have made it without my ethic of hard work and dedication, definitely from my family, relatives I look up to on both sides of the world, and I think also just from being Filipino. Not that other cultures don't have this, it's just that looking back on history and our culture, Filipinos have a spirit not easily defeated. Seems we have a can-do attitude coupled with a deep spirituality, and I've witnessed it work in others as well as myself.

Not that I think my trials are over. But I feel I've "arrived" finally where I've worked so long and tirelessly to get to. It's a wonderful feeling.

Hooray! A new life for me.

DREAM LODGE

2011-05-31T07:33:00.000-07:00

-aching chest because it was found that i had breast cancer, and was rushed immediately to surgery to remove cancer cells...afterwards the pain.....

-wandering through the hospital (in wheelchair? walking--more like staggering cuz i was so weak) found myself in maternity ward...with the newborns.....i remember this one cracked out lookin mom, she was thin with ragged blonde hair and glasses....walking to the right....i look to the left and i see a child with blonde hair and glasses to i recognize its her son...but he's like 6 or 7 at least...wondering in my dream state "is HE her newborn?"

-i dreamt i was a member of a white family....and my mom tryin desperately to get attention from my dad...it is soon found that he is cheating on her....my mom in my dream is white with white hair, and a white beard!......my white dream-dad has white hair too but no beard....of course was cheating on her with someone with no beard...they had a confrontation at a reception and she left, claiming she felt sick...

-on to my dream-white-mom's new life.....well she calls over the repair guy (how cliche) and is excited to answer the door only to realize the man has his wife or girlfriend or whatever with him, she's very loud and gregarious...dark and lively....she kinda reminded me of this woman i know in real life (d. gilligan's baby momma)

-i float between scene of this storyline and the cancer one....in the cancer one i remember a definite aching in my chest, terrible pain...i am out of the hospital going down what reminded me of Bissonnet or some such street in Alief. i am riding a pony that is too small for me, like the one i rode in the philippines once that was too small for me. i try to compensate by not putting as much of my weight on the poor thing as possible....we are in school traffic it seems, with cars moving slow. sometimes we gallop. ilea is in the dream too, riding on the streets like me.

-i have a bike that i abandoned on the street to ride the pony...i thought "there's no way i'd get that back its an unlocked bike on the street" but then voila, at my destination i see someone bringing it in....what a relief and miracle to be reunited with this bike...

-somewhere in the cancer storyline i am in a kitchen cooking over a stove, making a grilled sandwich...i remember cutting it into uneven halves, trying to save one for an ex-boyfriend (apparently in this dream i am still with him and no sight of my current one in this dream...). but he never comes. i try to call him to let him know i have a sandwich waiting for him. i remember reaching for the kitchen phone attached to the wall, specifically dialing the numbers....713732....but i cannot get through, someone is using that line....at a certain point i stop saving it for him and eat it myself...

-back to the dream scene of being in a school zone...so i park my pony who somehow turned into a car in the parking lot...and find myself in gym class. i dont understand why i have to report to gym i am in such pain....i sneak out.....i sneak into another building in which a high-profile trial is happening...some OJ Simpson-esque thing in which it is known his lawyers are so good the defendant will get out no problem. there is some weird singing thing happens (is this a trial or a memorial mass?) and while people have stood up for something, i sneak out again...i remember trying to avoid the gym area, but i have to cross there cuz that's where my car is....i get caught by my gym teacher, a real-life gym teacher i had in middle school actually (coach carlos)....she is really mad that i didn't have a pass and that i snuck out...i mean she is furious....she is yelling at me and then goes into a tirade about how the youth these days are so insolent (coach carlos wasn't like this in real life) and a janitor walks by saying "good job coach!"

-i remember a scene in which two dudes (drivers) are in a hostage scene....like in grand theft auto san andreas when CJ & that latin-esque bitch are robbing a bank....they had their hands up but slowly coming down.....one of the chauffers risks reaching for his gun on the floor, shooting it, killing the robbers....but is too slow for one of his ricochets...i remember him being in perfect rhythm until the last bullet...which killed him. i didnt really see anything else except his face....his eyes wide open in surprise, surprise that he's dead, and surprise that he killed his attackers and could've had a chance to get away...

-i remember being with my old roommates from my first apartment. the real life samantha that i remember was dark and angry....this dream samantha was more lazy and wanted me, the aching cancer-free, post-op paula, to fetch antibiotic for her....so i go back to that dream kitchen and give her my tube....all throughout this dream i am wondering how people cannot understand what pain i'm in, and why i dont stand up for myself and explain how much that shit hurt...instead everyone including me is going about like i am not in pain post op...and that i am willingly going around doing things for others...

It is windy outside

2011-04-12T02:36:00.000-07:00

and Clay is out to Berry Creek with J & Philbert. Left Snug and me home for a little R&R. "No offense, but you got plans (I was practicing that night) and I gotta have fun while I can. It's been a hard week," he explained as he was packing up. I understand. I know what it's like, the excitement of being somewhere new if only just to play xbox and watch old ufc fights, drinkin beers as you let your dog run around having fun with other dogs in the fresh country air. Consequentially, because I believe in the duality of everything I must also accept the days when I am the one getting left behind. I just sat there suckin on that vaporizer as he was packing everything up. I took note of his excitement (comparing it to days when he'd pack up to sleep over at a friend's house, "rushing before his mom changed her mind"), was very observant of his character for better understanding. I wasn't depressed or upset about it, I was just kind of accepting it as it was happening and not letting myself get all dramatic and female about it (I easily could have, I feel like it's something to control though, instead of being like that all the time). I got excited to treat myself to a dinner at some place I've never been (I'd pick one on the way to practice).

Practice was alright.

It is windy outside and here I am into the night 4 am now actually. I knew it would be like this. I knew it and also wanted it too. I knew it was coming though, I could feel the debt in my sleep bank getting deeper. Yesterday at work even though it wasn't so busy I was so tired. So today I slept it all away, cashed in for a good 6 extra hours. I wanted to write all this in my bed like how I used to write when I was younger, I loved that. Couldn't find it though, too lazy to look in the car and even then I think I left it in the practice space. Don't really wanna look, it's windy out there. I was laying in bed and I could hear my window panes knockin around in the window frame of my house, near my head. Old architecture, 100 years old or so...

Times like this when I wish I had a laptop again, a desktop is so office like, it knocks the ambience right out, with this big screen staring back at me, wide and bright. I see little flies squiggle past it really bothers me, makes me itch.

Here's something funny: the other night I went to a bar after work, one of my fave neighborhood ones. I'm there at the bar writing on a stool. I had considered moving, but fuck it, I didn't mean to stay long anyway, I just wanted this drink and go back home to Clay and the dogs. Then this guy starts peering over me, trying to see what I'm writing. I hate it when people do that. It is in no way cute. It's very intrusive, but what do I expect, I am in public. But still, it's kind of intrusive.

GUY: Hey what are you writing?

[I stare back with a mean mug]
Who ARE you?

GUY: [shrugs and points] The guy who was sitting over there.

Why do you need to know what I'm writing?

GUY: I'm a writer too. Who's your favorite writer?

[Staring back]
I don't have a favorite writer.

GUY: You don't have a favorite writer?

[I shrug and shake my head]

Guy then starts listing off Bukowski, Burroughs and someone else kinda generic. Oh yah Hunter S. Thompson. I said I didn't really like any of them. it's kind of true. I don't know them enough to feel any way towards them. Either way, I didn't want to be bothered, and anyway if he was really a writer he would understand to respect a fellow writer when they are, in fact, IN THE ACT OF WRITING, thank you very much.

I know it was wrong how I handled it. But the looking of the shoulders thing is a real peeve of mine, I was automatically turned off. And anyway I wasn't lookin to get into any connections with anyone, poor guy was just barkin up the wrong tree that night. And fuck off anyway, I stated that it was my after-work drink and was just trying to rush home. It ended with him calling me stuck up. Maybe I deserve it. Whatever, fuck it I don't care. I think we both got over it, I'm sure I'll never see him again but then again New Orleans is a small town, one never knows...

Too much negative stuff in the world, why contribute to it? It's the intentions that count, we are only human. Ah, the duality--

THINGS TO DO (no special order)

2011-03-30T12:41:00.000-07:00

cook dog food
fold clothes
finish laundry
send photos to boss
write signe's letter
write lindsey's letter
spend some time with that notebook, damnit!
print out application & fill it out

As I wrote the last bullet a seagull let out a song. I'll take that as a good omen, thank you!

It's only been a week?

2011-03-30T12:32:00.000-07:00

Time moves fast and slow at the same time.

I had a poem I managed to eek out of myself, yet to post. Otherwise, haven't written anything. Hardly used the notebook. What's wrong with me?

Must not be too harsh on myself. I've been making progress, albeit slow, progress all the same. I keep thinking "everything in due time" so I just kind of float through life as of late. What can I do, I say to myself. This is the best I can do....the least stressful way at least, which is my preference.

Not depressed, not unhappy, just...content. Content yet still making progressive steps.

Going to SXSW was interesting. I think that's when I fully adopted this floaty approach to life....because I wasn't in control of anything. I just rode it out, made myself available, and took things as they came. It turned out to be a pretty successful adventure. I came out unscathed, everything in tact, didn't lose any piece of my drumset, played a good show, got fed, got nice connects, etc. The solo road trip was cool too, kind of empowering on a personal/female level. Before the long drive, I feel lazy/apprehensive about it, but then when I'm out there actually driving, I felt liberated....how cliche, but it's true.

And by the way, the Relax show was well received. We blew everyone away, everyone was overwhelmingly impressed with my showmanship, my vocal strength. I was surprised and impressed too. Clay said it was the best singing I'd ever done, which was very strange because I didn't really have a voice...I blew it out the day before (I only just now got it back).

After these two monumental rockstar moments I guess I've just been taking it easy. It was a lot of buildup and stress and such. Just tryin to get back to basics meanwhile, looking every morning for a job and applying. But it's so strange: even with this I don't stress too much. I feel like I'll get one when the time comes.

Doesn't cut it.

2011-03-24T19:12:00.000-07:00

Not having a paper notebook really makes me lazy hazy confused disorganized. Without something to harness my mind energy I meander through life, wasting valuable time and such. This also happens to be the reason I haven't put anything new on here.

But I've made steps. Today I bought a notebook finally and will be making serious forward movements tomorrow
-pay for certification
-apply for more jobs
-buy a charger & another sd card @ walgreens?
-map out future projects
-10 am: sk8trip to Hammond!
-6: workolio.

Really bad at waking up early. This is the only thing I hate about myself. Must find a way to counter this. I've never been an early bird, since I was a kid. Definitely time to grow up about this. Not that I hate mornings, I think they're the most magical part of the day. I've tried everything...setting up incentives, things to do as soon as I get up...thinking about delicious food as incentive......nothing works.

the thought occurred to me

2011-03-11T16:14:00.000-08:00

today during work:

Given:
1. We are all extensions of the Universal Energy
2. This is why we are all siblings under "the One" aka brotherly love
3. I believe in free will.
4. I also believe in destiny.
5. Everything has potential. All the possibilities exist in everything we see aka "quantum potential"

Thus:
It is possible to believe in free will and destiny at the same time because of quantum potential.

Think about it...

A New Motif

2011-03-10T22:55:00.000-08:00

"...at first I didn't feel like ________ but I did it anyway and I'm glad I did!"

Whenever we practice at first, for different reasons, we don't feel like doing it...but then after our sesh we're so juiced on our tunes and excited to jam again~~

I think it also helps a lot that we're having our first show together in more than a year...we're genuinely, collectively thrilled about doing it up. There's many things I like about the Relax Band, I guess mainly it's the realness of it is what gets me. We are all "real" creative types because we are genuinely doing it for art's sake; we're not trying to "make it big, nor are we defeatist about it either....I mean nothin wrong with making money with art; for us, it's just not a driving force, or even a thought in our heads. We don't care if we don't make money at a show, we just love to party; it's really for the art. We don't care that we aren't "mainstream" or cater to more people than our marginalized community in New Orleans. We just want to make good waves with each other. Also we accept all members for who/what we are and bring to the group. We value everyone's opinions equally, support each other, and communicate very well. We are very diplomatic, we don't get in heated arguments. And ever since the beginning, it's always been about F.U.N....never about making money, or playing a show for money, or "making it" or anything....always about fun and music.

Lately been thinking about Relax vs. Lava Doll/Perseph. I put them side by side in my head cuz i'm prepping for both bands' next shows coming up next week....now this is something I don't think I've ever done before, prepping for 2 bands and 2 different shows...in 2 different cities!

In LD/P, we don't get in heated arguments either, but admittedly, since we're females, I think our emotions get in the way sometimes...like when we're tired or on our rag :) I think LD is about fun and music too, but--speaking for myself--I think sometimes it would be cool if we got picked up together. Oh a dream. A girl can dream, last time I checked! I think about it because it would be cool to a band that girls can actually look up to, girls don't have that these days....no Go-Go's, Sleater-Kinney, En Vogue, Spice Girls, not even Destiny's Child! The best they have are The Pussycat Dolls or whatever they're called...also The Saturdays I think, but I don't know about them. It would be cool to actually stand for something, make an impact on future females...

But enough about that; if it resonates with the Universe that that should happen, so be it, if not, I'm still alright...because I also value simplicity. One thing I know about money is it definitely can make things complicated.

DREAM LODGE

2011-03-10T08:00:00.000-08:00

-my philbert was pregnant with puppies...how could this be he's a male dog....but he did have them
at first i was confused but then my nurturing instincts kicked in soon's I saw those newborn pups.
many were squished during the "birthing" but i managed to save one, which looked like philbert.
-sneaking around
-goin out on "missions" i cant remember too much.
-i was with a friend "please drop me off at my apt" he says. "are you trippin?" "yah, i need to get to my girlfriend" "what, boy you haven't mentioned anything about a girlfriend! you're wrong for that" i dont remember what i did after that.

The Relax Family Band back again.

2011-03-03T23:13:00.000-08:00

Just like the Big Shot, it’s New Orleans’ Own.
This show was at a house party last February.
The Relax Band has reunited after a year to play a show in New Orleans, March 16.

Listen to the Relax Family Band on 4Shared ahorita, senorita~~~

romantic visions

2011-03-03T20:19:00.000-08:00

Never saw this growing up, but as a young girl this exactly is how I imagined myself to live one day...this really romantic idea of a beautiful woman originating whole worlds with words, paper everywhere.

never enough time

2011-03-03T19:54:00.000-08:00

There is never enough time in the day.
I want to wake up early every day but it never works out
So it depresses me
The way to change it all
is to wake up early
if I can just
get myself
to wake up
if only
i could
wake up
wake
up
my life is depending on this

I'm trying to get back to you

2011-03-03T18:17:00.000-08:00

This is the theme for me these days.

"Get up
dust yourself off
and get everything back
(at least as much as possible)."

Good thing nothing is permanent

from an interview on local artists in NOLA

2010-08-28T13:38:00.000-07:00

"See, when I was in my last years of college, I came to this very James Joyce-Portrait of the Artist as a Young Man-conclusion, announcing to myself and others that I'm officially dedicating my life to creativity. It was a tough decision to make because I couldn't decide what form of expression to choose. All my life people told me I had to be "well-rounded" so I got into doing a lot of things rather well, and then in college I was told by people I had to choose only one art form all of a sudden. I found it ridiculous, and with a steel reserve wanted to prove everyone wrong--by being a collage artist, with no limits to what I collage together. I like to mix it all up to show people that it's all art in the end."

poladroid family foto.

2010-08-12T19:14:00.000-07:00

the future is whatever i can make of it. the future is written to god but not to me. the future is in my pen.

2010-08-03T10:38:00.000-07:00

the journey of knowledge, realization, ultimate culmination, etc. comes out of the experience of living, finding out. maybe there is someone out up there, who knows whats gonna happen before it happens because we come from it. well and good. our experience is nonetheless genuine, divine. we should not be ashamed of the limits of our humanity, but revel in the lesson of modesty, and move on, that much more aware than before.

THE HUMAN EXPERIENCE: it's in my face, can't help but be moved to expressive action. I am a slave to this calling. I cannot sleep at night if I choose to go against the urge to express.

It is a blessing I feel blessed to bear.

I want to be strong enough to create.
I want to be strong enough for the Universe.
---------------------------------------

EARLY MORNING SERVANTS' HOUR

I wake up an hour
before the cocks crow
on my last morning
on this side of the Earth,

the time the servants
wake to cook breakfast
before kids commute to school.

It is dark. I lay in bed, listening.
I know nothing about them
except for the way they shut
the creaky screen door
how fast they dice onions
and the schlep of their slippers.
I know they sometimes hum
while the pork is shrieking
in the pan. They don't know
I hear them, and that I'll miss
this when I'm gone.

In a few hours
the rest will awake
but for now, the world
--this side of it, anyway--
belongs to me and the maids.
---------------------------------------

Go straight to
the bar like a
ferrosa to light!
Alcohol will
make the blood
run faster
and also tickle
wordthoughts out my head
while I blow tobacco smoke
and lotus whispers in my ear:
"You're alright, relax."
Muscles no longer tense
(I take deep breaths deep thoughtful intake of air is healthy you know, b/c deep breathing is really similar to pressing yourself in someone's chest, and waking up like that)
and lotus whispers in my ear:
"Relax. The Universe
makes no mistakes.
The Universe loves you
and everyone & everything
around you…"
---------------------------------------

these fat fucks
they waddle
into my shop
burdened
by their own
weight

they order
a half pint
of gelato

and a diet coke
---------------------------------------

let it rain, let it rain
let the storm pass
wait for the cloud
to wear itself out
til you can see
the mountains again
and the lights
in the mountaintop huts
twinkling

nothing lasts forever
not flood, blackout or storm,
not life, success or latest technology

except maybe, most definitely
diamonds, cockroaches, Cher
and love if it's REAL.
---------------------------------------

everything in
due time
mountain dew
typhoon
"don't worry about nothin, honey!"
the energy, the wave,
nothing to crave
well, yes, you can

crave
but mostly,
just wait.

everything
in due time.
---------------------------------------

dusk til dawn
dust to dust
young becomes old
gold to rust
wrinkles sneak up
things start to sag
time stops for no one
and we can't ever go back

we march
a relentless beat
can't stop, must bow
to the merciless pace
of this rugged race
to the finish
where Death
is holding the boat,
our chauffeur
to the next place we go--
---------------------------------------

FOOD DIARY: Somethin' Else Cafe (New Orleans)

2010-08-02T15:56:00.000-07:00

Today I ate a Wedge Salad and Sweet Potato Cheesecake at Somethin' Else Cafe.

The Wedge was the perfect size. Although not as big as the ones I've had at 59 Diner in Houston, it was not as small as the one I got in the Philippines. The perfection of this salad was also due to the generous chunks of bleu cheese, cherry tomato halves, and hearty portion of bacon that covered the wedge of lettuce...and of course the bleu cheese dressing, not too rich, and not too bland/watery. Perfect.

The Sweet Potato Cheesecake was divine! The portion may look small, but it was a perfect size because sometimes sweet things in huge amounts can be nauseating, can lead to buyer's regret. I regretted nothing about this dessert, it was a delicious slice of New Orleans. I loved the presentation (drizzling caramel on a plate is always beautiful). I could taste all the spices individually, cinnamon, nutmeg, anise, just to name a few. They get it from a local bakery, it definitely doesn't taste like it was bought at the store or mass-produced.

It's a small waitstaff at Somethin' Else, all very sweet and down-to-earth. The waitresses when I was there are college students, juggling classes with French Quarter worklife. The guy in the back came out to the front for a second, and he seemed nice too. If you do decide to visit here, remember to tip well--you're supporting hard-working students and very nice people who are happy to serve!

In sum, The Wedge is my favorite shape. I love it as a shoe, in cheese form, and especially in salad form. Somethin' Else Cafe really did The Wedge right, and the Sweet Potato Cheesecake paired with a freshly brewed hot black coffee (from Mello Joy, a company from Lafayette) was the perfect beginning to an afternoon/evening of errands.

Somethin' Else Cafe
620 Conti St.
NOLA 70130
(504) 373-6439

Check their website, link above, for directions, hours, etc.

a rare moment

2010-07-29T20:01:00.000-07:00

our world is small, and bigour lifes are stress, and beauty
our lives are tragedy and miracle
quiet moments and loud magic

What follows is a

2010-07-25T13:26:00.000-07:00

very personal thought plucked straight out the orchards of my mind: contemplation during overcast humid sun day about to head home saw a clip of Heaven, that s.jonze video. i swear it wasn't the explosions or the screwed footage it was the skating, simple's that. those dudes were skating, pushing; pure action.

i wanted part of the action which is why i chose to skate. and so what if i dont do tricks at least i'm doing it. in my own way i'm part of the action. and mostly, very mostly, i do it to inspire (see why i naturally chose a career in education?). i may not be the best but i can inspire others who could be the best, help others tap into hidden realms of awesomeness

they dont have to say anything. i just hope someone saw me glide by one day and felt the urge to push. and later on maybe that day
or year
they crunch into a piece of the action too
and on & on
k

you poor thing...

2010-06-30T14:49:00.000-07:00

Dearest Blog! I am sorry I left you alone so long! But being the great friend you are, you're still here for me. Thanks for that.

So much has happened since last post, which was December. I really threw all my energy and focus into studying to pass that exam, which did come to pass as I had hoped. The weight thing came on its own. More on that later.

I spent from December to April studying my ass off. If I wasn't working I was studying, vice versa. I had to stop myself from getting sidetracked into any art projects, jam seshes, saying yes to people asking Relax to play this show or that show. It was hard, but it damn well payed off. THANK GOD. cuz i woulda been fucked if i didn't pass...and this trip to the Filipinas wouldn't have been so great if I had that hanging over my head.

By the way, I'm in the Philippines. I am here and almost gone. I leave in a couple days. Many emotions aswirl, but holding up quite nicely. I'm proud of myself. Maybe more on this later.

******************************
the sound of beating eggs outside,
the dull drone of a fan full speed
big friendly black ants quietly trying to find their way
a quick gray mouse rushes beneath the bookshelf.
exotic birds chirping hellos
groggy children rustled awake by relentless roosters
sizzling eggs, now, some voices outside
the first of many doors slamming today
and many cars starting off.

all this before the sun dominates the day
and we forget the sleep that stubbornly stuck to our eyes.
******************************

So as I said, from December to April I was a tired, overworked, nervous-wreck bore. After April I felt like I could go back to my old self again. Old self=creative, relaxed, inspired self. I actually starting reading books for leisure. I was getting back on track with my book project. I was starting to hang out (very slowly) again with others. I went to, and read at, a few poetry readings. I wrote more poems.

Then June came about and I went to spend the last half of the month in the Philippines with my family. Bringing you to present moment. I've been here for a while, recharged in ways I didn't expect to be recharged. I'll be going back full strength. I wrote some nice poems here, sweet mementos for when I go back. It's starting to get sad and if I let myself could cry about it for the rest of the time I'm here but what good is that!? Anyway, I keep telling my friends and family not to be so sad--when I am a teacher and making lots of money we'll be here often, send Fae, Mama & Papa over here. "I promise it won't be another 6 years 'til we're all here again," I reassure them in our native tongue.

No matter what I say though, I know how hard it is to leave, and be left. It's hardly believable to me that when I come back my cousins won't be tiny babythings anymore but maybe attending school...like timewarp. But it's just life. Terrible, beautiful life.
******************************

I set summer goals for myself after I passed my exam:

SUMMER GOALS 2010
-practice clarinet more
-finish book project
x-write more poems
-start postcard project
x-stop being scared and send poems to be published
-fix the damn car!

I am proud to say that I'm making good progress...was very excited to get that reply from the Sandwich Zine editor. She was pretty enthusiastic about my stuff and i think is quite interested in possibly collaborating in some future art installation projects. Yes.
******************

part of the solution: cristo rey

2009-12-06T18:37:00.001-08:00

http://www.cristoreyhouston.org/

To the new one.

2009-11-17T15:46:00.001-08:00

Dearest,

You don't know me yet. Soon you will. I'm okay with that. We were bound to meet one day, sooner is as good a time as any.

You have concerns. I understand, very well. Probably more than you'll ever know. Let me just say what I wish someone would've said to me when I was in your position: you have nothing to fear. Just be yourself, which I'm sure isn't hard to do.

And about all that you want to keep, that I used to have: you can have it. It's my gift to you. Take it all. Take it for as long as you'd like. I worked through all the difficult times, believe me shit was hard before you came along, but now it's all nice and nearly perfect for your taking, for you to waltz in (you're a dancer, I heard), at the right time. The things, people, places I used to know, those small secret details only lovers could know--all that's old to me. All that's for you.

So go ahead honey, take it. Take everything, I want you to.

It's not mine anymore, not sure if it ever was mine in the first place. I'm okay with that, too.

Regards,
The Old One.

NOLA BOOKFAIR 2009, from a crunchy perspectif.

2009-11-09T19:00:00.001-08:00

These are shots of the NOLA Bookfair, some from down on the groundlevel, some from the balcony of the Blue Nile, where the Crunchtown Players performed their extended version of II all day long. 5 runs in all, the first one being totally experimental, stacking it up to the end result: an awesome highly anticipated last run (pretty much a packed house).

intense magnifying crescendowobbling throbbing vibratinglife

2009-11-09T18:12:00.000-08:00

Crunchtown Players: I like everything about it.

lessons that are so old, but new to me

2009-11-02T14:38:00.000-08:00

1. Beautiful things can come out of shit.
2. Beautiful things can come out of nothing.
3. When someone criticizing you, it is only because they are deflecting criticisms others have of them.
4. Kwan Yin approach never goes out of style.

lesson: fuck compartmentalism!

2009-10-30T00:25:00.000-07:00

sometimes i think i should start a new journal for this or that reason but fuck it it makes things complicated. i like this all-in-one thing i got going.

anyway. today i was sitting there on the step of my gelato shop. i was simply looking at my surroundings, looking at the people: tourists (drive-in, flew in from some country in another continent, suburb/big city/rural area in america), fellow warriors in the service industry, families, older couples, couples on dates, group of teenagers, street performer/vendor/fortune teller. when i look at all the people i'm surrounded by i think "wow, this is america." many people may not understand what that means; i cannot fully define what that means. its america, and all that entails, fully encompassing all the ways that word means what it means.

i called my friend adnan, an old friend. sometimes i call him up for random conversations that i always mean to be short but because they're rather intellectual (i honestly dont get enough of that most people are intimidated by and/or too lazy for such conversation) they end up being quite lengthy. most times these heart2hearts end awkwardly but i dont care i'm glad i talked to him and i'm glad they end the way they do.

in short, here are some key points i'm safeguarding here for future reference. in no particular order

-will war ever end? no. anyway it's been happening for quite some time now. only been on the forefront now because weapons are cheap, among other reasons.

-a good way to decrease war: agreements between countries.

-not everyone has an empathetic point of view. a lot of people out there don't exactly know what it feels like to be a "have-not" and so, cannot empathize with the problems of someone who is going through "have-not" type situations.

-if you grew up in Texas, and overall in the southern regions of the United States, FACE IT: YOU WERE RIPPED OFF in your education. if you don't understand this now, go up north and check it out for a minute. Then honestly, objectively think about it. YOU WERE JIPPED. But it's okay, because at least you're not even in the worst-of-the-worst.

-if you look people in the eye, they are more likely to trust everything you say is truth.

-have/have-not is something that is prevalent in all aspects of life on the micro- and macro-cosmic level. it's pretty "trippy" for the likes of me, personally, but it's okay that this kind of thing psyches me out.

-one of the reasons i got into creative things is to convey such personal discoveries in an easily-acceptable, appealing, intriguing fashion.

-New Orleans is most notably functioning in its own economic bubble. reasons:
A: federal funding from Katrina relief pumped money into New Orleans economy; its effect coincidentally pumped money into New Orleans in time to sustain it during the depression
B: New Orleans is a city based on vices; people come here to get away from their problems, spend lots of money on tourist type things, eat out every night they're here, spend money on various accomodations, public transportations, etc. people come here to "live easy," spend freely.

--anyway, this is the first of many such notations, i'm sure.

what changed?

2009-10-29T18:27:00.000-07:00

there's a man who comes in every evening now, he's the conductor for the play down the street. some of the musicians come in here too before the show. anyway. one day...

[me yawning as i pour his cup of coffee]

HIM: been a long day?

P: yah, a buncha runnin around.
[we chuckle]
you know, when i was younger i thought it was so fun to go out and do errands! now, it's different. know what i mean?

HIM: yah, things change.

P: tell me, is it just me because i got older and busier, or is it the world because it got faster and busier? what is it, what changed?

HIM: oh well i don't know, if i had the answer for that...i don't know, but i think it's the fun. you don't have as much fun as you used to when you get older.

P: ohh--the FUN FACTOR?

HIM: yah, that's it, the fun factor. anyway that's my answer today. we'll see about tomorrow.

so i guess that's it. the fun factor. then it hit me: how do we have fun as we get older? i skate, but i gotta confess, my right ankle isn't as young as it used to be...it's kinda hard sometimes. i still think that's fun.

what else? i guess i participate in creative projects, that's fun. really fun. earning lots of tips, that's fun. i dont really drink that much. that was never too much fun for me to begin with. i dont do psychedelics anymore either, i've learned to be psychedelic without the substances. in this way, i have learned to create my own fun with only my mind. but is this enough? am i forgetting something i should know about? smoking's fun. willie nelson said "it takes the edge off." bless him for being so right. in this way, i definitely don't forget how to have fun.

but what is it? what is this stress monster? how do i defeat it? what powers of my mind do i need (or need to cultivate)?
===

other than that, not too much to complain about. house is SPOTLESSSS due to someone's mother coming for halloween. also, the dogs are starting to fill out more, means i'm doin a good job of feeding them. work is the same, a bit better. cant complain. might have my rent fully by the 1st, that's very exciting to me. can't complain.

PROMPT: WRITE HOW YOU FEEL AFTER TRYING OUT THE NEW AND IMPROVED LOOSENED UP DECK:

2009-10-27T22:54:00.000-07:00

WOW it feels amazing i never felt anything like it before. seriously. loosen up, we always say in jest and good cheer. but man when one actually does loosen up, it's like the light is brighter, seeing each individual blade of grass for the first time, like letting go of bowel movements long overdue. this new loose setup has opened up my mind's eye in my skateboard. i feel like i've been reborn, i feel like i've found the eighth ply. my board just took on a whole new meaning. my life has been most epically changed. i'm totally juiced. i'm so amped. i'm way amped. i am so upset it's rainy right now or else god bless it i'd be out there right now 2 am all wild in the streets i'd be my own one-woman second line. instead of writing about it; but for now i'm dreaming about it like the kiss i can't wait to feel like i can't wait for my next date with this tre' chic dreamboat annie of a deck.

i
want
to
fuck
in
ride
this
deck
all
night
long
people
watch
me
come
in
real
fast
every
where
i
go
people
watch
me
big
luau
skate
mama
no
mumu

WEH

2009-10-24T21:46:00.000-07:00

in google we trust

2009-10-24T14:05:00.000-07:00

look up your name. what do you see? a lot of names similar to yours? events you were part of a long time ago? is it an accurate summary of what you've been doing these past few years? any photos? videos?

i googled my name today for the first time in a while. i think the last time i did it was when i was a reference librarian and no one was around to help, so i was bored and looked up my name. PAULA ANICETE, PAULA ANNE ANICETE, PAULA ANNE SOCCO ANICETE.

i am always surprised at all the other anicete's i see on the web. are they actually related to me? my last name is quite unusual, i'm not even being boastful. other filipinos dont have names like this, they're usually names like macasaet, garza, villareal, or something.

anyway.

so i look up my name. people who dont know me can gather that i was once employed with the houston public library (i'm quite proud of this), VOICES BREAKING BOUNDARIES, kayumanggi pinoy rock band, overgrown (westheimer street festival), They Who Sound, which was this underground artsy series in houston circa 2008, and just mostly noted in a few houston art blogs. oh, and also you can find my articles i write for daybowbow, my latest writing commitment.

is this an accurate electronic depiction of the sum of my life's work as of yet?

i guess so. nowhere does it say, however, that i ever worked for the Fil-Am Press, which was a pretty big commitment in my life for a few years. this blog is also under the radar.

interesting.

i've only been at this "artist" thing for 2-3 years. i'm okay with that, and with whatever notes people have of me online.

there are sparks i feel going off inside me. i am mesmorized at the thought of finally giving in to my creative endeavors and just do it. put all of my heart and effort into making really awesome art-related things. i get scared though, because what if it's all for nothing, all for a flash-in-the-pan success? what if the things i'm pouring my life energy into now are just piddly things that don't amount to anything major in the end? what exactly IS the thing i'm trying to amount to?

i get easily allured into artistic endeavors, and out of focusing on my impending teacher certication exam. from this i derive some anxieties.

i've been known to make it, against all odds. let's hope that's something very true about me.

dream

2009-10-23T08:42:00.001-07:00

In this world I visited, I had two friends who couldn't conceive on their own, so they asked me if I would bear their child for them. Next thing I know I was taking this pill, and all of a sudden I was pregnant. In this world, apparently, all I would have to do as a third party was take this pill created out of the client's dna genes and whatnot.

Anyway, I only felt compelled to write about this dream when I remembered what feelings I had in this dream. Feelings of being trapped, of being forced into something I don't want to do. I was upset that I didn't have any options. I could abort--I was thinking of taking a pill to undo the pill pregnancy--that's pretty reasonable, yes? But it was the fact that I had that obligation to fulfill, a binding contract. It did not feel good to be bound in this fashion. I was nervous and afraid.

I was nervous and afraid of the pain that comes with giving birth. So many people say that, then have kids, but seriously I swear I am not one of those people. I think that shit would suck so hard. Pain beyond anything I can stand, so much that I would need an EPI OH MY GOD AN EPI a shot to my vertebrae WHICH HURTS IN ITSELF I mean jeez it's my friggin VERTEBRAE.

And all the while my innards are making me feel all sorts of foreign (yet not so foreign because it's centuries old) feelings and I'm having foreign (yet not so foreign because for centuries women and other females across kingdom/phylum/rank/genus/order/species/etc) reactions. I am contracting, a baby is kicking and traveling southwards within me...

Yah, that shit's too much. What the fuck. I can't do it. Anyone that says it's not that bad only says it because they decided to go for the epidural, which probably means they don't have an aversion to needles. I, however, a strong, intrinsic aversion to needles. I got my immunization shots last month for a plethora of things recently. I walked out a big, sniffling baby. People usually have a tough time with my skin because of my eczema...like I have literally thick skin and they are off-put because they have to get a bigger needle or "jab" a bit more...it's scary to me, and the soreness I feel is worse than any of the falls I've ever had on my skateboard, or at least just as bad and def. not as fun.

It began when I was 4 and had to get my immunization shots for pre-school. My mother knew I wouldn't like the shots; for the past year I'd been taking all kinds of "little" injections for this or that, and doctors taking blood for my "tests" about my eczema and whatnot. So these "big" immunization shots, "big" because they can make your arm really sore for hours even days, were really going to make me upset. Knowing that I love books, she told me we were going to the library. We went as far as the parking lot for the library, where the immunizations tent was.

I was upset somethin fierce, I was crying, screaming, I tried to bite the nurses! It took at least a couple nurses and the doctor to administer those immunizations. I was probably like a mini version of Elizabeth Taylor from The Taming of the Shrew.

I don't remember if we even went to the library afterwards.

I would never put myself in a circumstance in which I was forced to do something I don't want to do and suffer the painful consequences.

What does this mean to me in reality, if that is the lesson I'm supposed to learn from this dream?

I immediately think of my loans. I really must try to salvage what I can from that.

rainy evening

2009-10-22T18:23:00.000-07:00

i like it, i like the sound of water and the blues from the radio intermingling. i like the muggy-then-breezy feel of tonight. it's so romantic.

i am not sad it's raining. I love how film noir it looks: the black and white taxi cabs and bright red brakelights, the way the wet streets reflect everything.

i haven't skated in a while, i did for a little bit today, on the way to the park to meet my friends for acro-yoga.

THAT'S MY NEW THING, by the way: acrobatics.
seriously.

i love it, i love feeling very "present," very "in" my body. i love walking on slackrope; acro makes me feel strong and graceful at the same time.

i didn't even mind when an ant bit my toe and it swelled up so huge and was prickly and itchy (i'm allergic to ants).

the good and bad.

2009-10-22T11:33:00.000-07:00

GOOD:
-i'm getting into voodoo fest for free and seeing THE FLAMING LIPS!
-going to City Park to watch a good play @ 7 am tomorrow
-got into a housecleaning gig, $50 guaranteed for next week!
-the puppet show was a smash success
-applying to the herb import, more housecleaning gigs, and asking for more hours @ other la divina shoppes.
-starting to make payments again to my student loans.

BAD:
-i gotta call the ombudsman for my other loans.
-my teacher exam's coming up, ready or not.
-i really might have to make up a "Plan C" for my future plans.
-don't wake up early enough, dont have a morning routine so i end up kind of wasting chunks of time and before i know it it's afternoon...

at least bad still outweighs good.

My moontime.

2009-10-17T18:47:00.000-07:00

Too cold to wake up early, but I do, to take him to work. Bum! What else is new! obviously nothing's changed!

Before noon the moon dropped, to remind me of some other woman's--don't matter if she was ever real or not--naivete. It sucks, yes. Unfair, yes. But at least it gives us a great excuse to be unapologetically snappy, laugh at ourselves, and maybe if it's bad enough, a damn good excuse to take off for work. Also a great excuse for medical marijuana.

This is what I'd get med scripts for I tell you hwhat. Terrible red sea pains. The worst tsunami tempests deep inside where hardly anyone goes, except for once in their life before they're even born.

I felt quite fucked up, nothing like this kind of pain. I tried to smoke it away, but, still aching, I managed to pull myself together and go to puppet show practice. I was kind of scared I would take someone out on my way to Joey's; I have a history of getting into accidents while on my moontime. I can't help it, I get so out of it, worse than getting fucked up on pills or whatever people do.

I was very glad when I got to Joey's and he helped me by driving to the practice spot. I was very glad to not be driving, especially because he says he loves to drive. I used to love driving, but I guess 9 years of doing it kinda wears on a person after all...

Practice was alright. I kept getting impatient and felt too bad to properly introduce myself with enthusiasm. I was throbbing inside. Bum. It was nice to be with my friends though, started to feel better and got a decent first practice underway.

Now here at work want to just lay down and pass out. I always feel compelled to write when I'm on my moon, even though it's quite cliche and probably only sounds great to me while I'm on my moon. But I like documenting it because I feel it's slightly taboo to do so, and intensely personal.

A friend told me once that back in the day there was this thing called the Red Tent, and women were sent there on their moontime. Lots of times women who hang out with each other alot get their periods at the same time, so in a small community, probably all the women had it around the same time...anyway, the Red Tent was a place to be isolated because of the moon, but then also women looked forward to it because it was a time they spent on themselves and not supporting the family unit.

Must look into this...

just focusing on the art.

2009-10-12T11:59:00.000-07:00

The show last Tuesday was a smash success. Anyone who reads this and wishes to receive a free audio copy of the show, cleverly mastered by Clay, is welcome to request via my email, polanne@gmail.com

The bands from Baltimore were great, they were noise bands and played really aggressive, short sets. Relax did alright for a first time out.

I meant to take a hiatus and focus strictly on studying, but as I'm slowly easing into a "Plan B" of sorts, I'm re-examining my direction, my options, and somehow facing all the pressure while at the same time being objective and open about everything.

Perhaps I'll study while I'm at work later. I'm also thinking of applying for a part-time position at Rev. Zombie's Voodoo Shop. Funny, huh? Let's see if I get a cashier position there, that would be kinda fun.

After a stressful night last night, I called up Joey this morning and we got together for a minute. Between the smoke clouds we talked about jammin again, and possibly going another direction (speaking of direction) in music. We got high-tingled at the thought of going this insane new direction, minimalist, frighteningly new yet old direction, a la Tiny Music from Chicago. I am very excited, as I've lately felt the pull towards theatrics more and more.

NEXT SUNDAY IS A PUPPET SHOW, but not just any puppet show, it's shadow puppets, with a really bizarre story line. Joey wants to compose music for it, but doesn't want to do it alone, he says. So I'm hopping on the boat. Can't resist--maybe now I can finally use the innovative tricks in my CREATE YOUR OWN STAGE EFFECTS book I mistakenly stole one day at Half Price Books.

How funny...and just the other day I was thinking about asking for work at La Petit Theatre!

I can add this to my reportoire, my list of experience, and especially exciting because now I'm finally starting to branch out into New Orleans art scene, which is very exciting. I have visions of trying to get booked with Dave as a Nameless Sound special show of sorts, as if I come home and show I never stopped being creative, and look here's a new thing I've found and brought back to the hometown to share...

that kind of thing.

Anyway I think I'm getting pretty juiced about this Puppet Show. It's next Sunday (what's up with the short timespan to put something together? That Hunter's Field show happened only 1 week after we started jamming informally). Time is of the essence. Creativity dripping out my ears. All the bumminess in the world can't bum me out I'm so amped on the art wave I just want a piece of the action everything else will figure itself out an I will too.

Not making much sense to others right now I'm sure but that's ok I know later I'll catch my own drift

Have a surfin' day~

"what does it matter"

2009-10-11T18:41:00.001-07:00

SOMETIMES I THINK ABOUT IT LIKE THIS: what does it matter? What does it matter which way I go in life, as long as I've got a compass that kind of works--and I know how to work with the kinks and quarks--what does it matter if I stay or go? Smoke in my shoppe when my bosses aren't around? Have sex before I get married? Have debts but only pay them a little at a time? Struggle a bit? Live in a bizarre, bustling neighborhood? What does it matter if my hair is longer on one side than the other, have wavy hair instead of pressed straight, don't shave my arms or legs or you-know-where?

Sometimes you gotta just realize all that, handle up as needed. That's how we do, how we've always done. That's probably what my Lolo Daddy was talking about when he said, "You don't stop struggling until you're 6 feet underground." God bless him he was wider than I can ever comprehend if that's only one clip of what he ever said, one tidbit from the great wonderful whole of his life.

And so I am suddenly filled with a strange mood. I am typing in the window of the shoppe. It's a slow, rainy night. My tipjar is so empty I feel like I could cry. Sirens are roaring past me from an EMS truck. Tourists walk by with umbrellas. Cigarette butts litter the gutter. Another day in New Orleans.

I am suddenly filled with a strange mood, but also very inspired. I feel like I'm letting go of a lot of things, and I'm okay with that! I don't know how to describe it. For example, earlier today I found out a customer here builds sets for La Petit Theatre. I was stoked, I thought he did construction, like for buildings. Well so he says all i have to do to start working with them is talk to a person, Josh (or is it John, oh dear I've forgotten), talk with them about my experience; he says they always need help of some sort. I'd like to give that a shot.

I was in Half-Price Books once, with Lucas. I think it was a rainy, cold day. I accidentally walked out with the best book I could've ever stolen--STAGE EFFECTS. Was it ever an accident? It was a blessing. I want to do stuff like that. Especially the projections and the lighting, and also building stages. I used to do makeup so well (and boldy) in high school people thought I would do makeup for a living. So there. I was already living the book, and now here was more ideas, an expansion of my present knowledge, a source of inspiration.

What I'm getting at is why don't I start doing that now in the shoppe? In this window. It would probably stop people from looking through and staring at me, that shit's creepy. But anyway, a lot of times I think about "how cool it would've been if I did ______ when I could've." Hindsight's always 20/20 ain't it. So I'm thinking well the way things are going, I might have to start thinking of a PLAN B for if I don't pass the exam the first time. Maybe I'll have some time on my hands, just study, work at the shop, maybe start working at the theatre, continue tutoring Ahmed, get on food stamps, and basically just start re-budgeting so I can pay my bills more (and Ma would pay less)….and start getting into doing installations again…but WINDOW INSTALLATIONS! We have track lights, I can play with shadows, gels, shapes. It could be fun! My art would be seen by a shitfukton of people in one day, and people wouldn't be able to help themselves, it would probably be quite eye-catching.

So how about that. What does it matter if I can't pass it the first time? What does it matter if I take a long time closing? In the long run, it's not worth the stress, things work out, even out. I will--We all will--get through it. In the end it won't even be something worth remembering, it'll be a small speck of detail compared to the successes, accomplishments, achievements in the spirit of putting one's self out there, jumping out into the Almighty Abyss. I will get through it. Julie said I would. She knows me very well, what I am capable of, has understood me since before I even understood myself. I believe in her, believe why she believes in me. Just thinking about it makes me cry. I'm gonna stop!

I gotta get back to work, it's 1050 and now a slow day has turned out to be not so bad. But what does it matter, right?! I made a few breakthroughs in this short time writing.

here we are again

2009-10-04T10:59:00.000-07:00

about now's the time one contemplates changing her layout, considering a new blog altogether...

but i wont go into all that changing, i've grown rather accustomed to this one, grown alot with it. i remember starting it in 2006, back when i was in my old apartment in 3rd ward.

i've changed, my life's changed, so much. this is good documentation of everything. i'm okay with that.

it's a rainy day. i'm eating chinese food at the red apple, next door to the laundrymat. that's what they call em here, whereas in houston one might say washateria, or maybe lavanderia.

well after that little clip i finished my laundry and went to band practice. THAT'S RIGHT! I'M IN A BAND! my very first nola band. THE RELAX BAND. we're bluesy, and definitely fun. i like how we're very organically new orleans: we're all playing blues, r&b, talkin about the Mississippi River, losin dogs in the neighborhood, and about real neighborhood characters in the Quarter. i love it.

we play a show this tuesday, even though we only officially became a band about last week or so. it's gonna be a generator show; that is, we're gonna be playing out in this skate spot, under the i-10 overpass, out in the open. it's gonna be SICK.

i'm working on documenting that for posterity, if only just sound.

stay tuned~

Field Day at Audubon Park!

2009-06-12T11:40:00.001-07:00

we were across the street from Loyola. It was great seeing the kids act like kids, instead of preoccupied with being cool or whatnot.

photobucket slideshow: NOLA LYFE

2009-06-12T10:40:00.001-07:00

big blessings poppin & the devil can't stop it baby

here's a slideshow of photos here & there. if you don't like the slideshow (i dont know if i like it myself) just click the image and it'll take you to the album.

In this batch of photos, you will see my new kicks i got cuz they're just so...bombastic...my favorite chill spot, the john, me hanging out w/ my friends sara wex, maggie and paige, and some home-life pics w/ me, clay, our friend carlos, and of course filbert & snuggie.

bon appetit~

So far so good...

2009-06-04T04:28:00.001-07:00

This is what service has been like for me lately:

Service.

100 hours kickoff (to madness)

2009-06-01T11:58:00.000-07:00

and so begins my quick descent into losing control...

the other day at work my boss pulled me over before i signed in, and talked to me. seriously talked to me. because he cares. the last he heard from me i was crying because i had to accept that the cake (inkinded for 70 people!) wasn't going to happen. by the end of it i came away with two things: 1)i canNOT stop talking to my mother, and 2)i can't lose control.

so i'm not really going to lose it. i'm gonna try hard not to anyway. if ever i feel tired, i will simply say "i prefer not to." bartleby style. simply refuse. i like that. i'm gonna do that. it'll be great. a small way to stand up for myself.

anyway. at least it all begins on a beautiful sunny day...

100 hours kickoff (to madness)

Paige's house!

2009-06-01T10:52:00.001-07:00

At Paige's House

Philbert & Snuggie

2009-05-29T10:29:00.000-07:00

my fave pic from halloween

2009-05-21T14:59:00.000-07:00

skating near dom's side down the crowded streets of the french quarter

for future ref

2009-05-21T09:38:00.000-07:00

apply for out of state certificate
3 year nonrenewable certificate

are required to complete testing requirements:
praxis exams, lataap
praxis 1: reading, writing & math (unless made 22 composite score on ACT)
praxis 2: education of exceptional students core content knowledge (0353)
praxis 2: education of exceptional students, mild/mod disabilities (0542)

call this for scheduling tests: 1800.772.9476
web: ets.org, 2 years

on ets.org: praxis practice material that's free!
also, there are some prep classes may be available through universities.

http://certificationmap.com/states/become-a-teacher-in-louisiana/#recp

I THINK I JUST VERBALLY VOMITED: as you get older your life in hindsight ends up as one big pile of memories....

2009-05-20T12:33:00.000-07:00

what is happening to me? i keep thinking about "back in the day", think of my old high school days when i randomly found my high school band's website, Kerr High School Symphonic Band circa 2001 and as i'm listening to that bitch of a song "Tempered Steel" I think of how hard it was for Ms. Price, band director, to have molded a large group of high school students...no wonder she quit after my year...and then about all those times i'd practice, and about all the people in the band...how we were back then, all the places we went as a band...and wonder how we are all now, in our own lives...and then i remember all about being a high schooler, and how i loved and hated it because i was always kind of a loner, this kind of girl who never fit into any clique, but wasnt someone to feel terribly sorry for because she was always busy with her own thing, i.e. going to college poetry readings, and just foolin around downtown, doin everything she can to get out of alief whenever possible...

well anyway i remember how easy and simple everything was, of course in hindsight now that i'm older with more problems/responsibilities, everything back then seems like a cakewalk. and i think of how far i've come (and everyone else too) since that time in our lives, listening to this old band music like some long lost piece of Alief, some strange sonic archaeology. i think of everything that's happened since that time, and try to connect the present with the past and even older past....it's all such a trip.

does anyone in the world read this blog? does anyone in the world understand what i'm trying to say?

memory is a curse and a blessing. it all piles up. gets confused. sometimes we forget and sometimes we dont even know we forget until someone sparks a memory within us and we're like "oh yah! i remember that! i almost forgot!" and then i get tripped out, because i keep thinking of my currently temporary position here in new orleans, about how much i know i'll miss city year as hard as it's been, if only for more of the people. how i'll miss living here and everything about the life i've carved out for myself (like REALLY carved for myself, as i've struggled here with only minimal help from the parents), and therefore can say that my life here in nola has truly been my very own and no one else's.

i'll miss living here so much just like i missed living in houston, and how i'll be torn, torn between here, houston, the philippines...memories constantly pulling me every which way. emotions can be turbulent. i get dizzy and struggle to sit up straight, balance my head with my body and not fall to the floor in a strange stupor.

timewarp, i guess. i get mixed up in the tempests of time. present,past, even older past, and future all get mixed up. i've died and been reborn over and over, so many times i've lost count. of course i've grown so i'm not the same person i once was, but there are still parts of me that haven't changed.

i think of friends i've gained, lost along the way, same for those i loved so much giving them all of me at that point--friendships i thought would never dissolve, they did over time. i wonder if they've forgotten about me. i obviously haven't forgotten about them. i wonder who i've forgetten without even knowing i've forgotten them. i think of people literally slipping of the landscape of my mind.

i think of all the stuff i've gone through to get to this point, this very moment in my life where i'm in a school in New Orleans, so close to the Ol' Miss River. i think of my family with a sort of love and dread. i think of how i fought to get out of houston. i think of how i've fought all this time to get to where i am. i think of all the things i have yet to do. clueless about what's in store. maybe when my life is quieter (june 18 = i graduate from city year!) i will have a better idea, be better able to see forward in time with my mind's eye.

even just coming here, deciding to say YES to doing City Year: i think of all i've gained--and most importantly lost or temporarily put on hold--to do it. i think of the positive impact i've made, that others have made on me. i think of pieces of myself i've forgotten/put on hold. i think of how hard it might be to get back on track with some things. some things just can't wait for me to get back to them, like a dog i've left in the house all alone, itching for me to come home so i can pay attention to it again...still some things are spilling out of me without my control; poetry & music in particular are doing this. some things wait for me to some back, others force their own return into my life.

i wonder if it's weird to imagine myself fragmented like this. i feel it's only normal since i've had to disssect my life, pick only certain necessary things to carry on with. some things i've willingly left behind. some things are so different and disconnected from my past that they can only be thought of as separate from other parts of me. i dont deny that they are all, indeed, parts of me though.

times like these when the weightiness of life really gets me (this shit's so deep man!) and i'd rather die now than live a lifetime of more memories, getting crushed under the weight of it all.

my mind's eye is looking back through distance in time and space, and i get all whirled up about it.

Our Heroes field trip to the Aquarium!

2009-05-20T09:41:00.000-07:00

just a few pics from that special day...

The great thing about New Orleans...

2009-05-07T21:40:00.001-07:00

"The great thing about New Orleans is that if you're wishing for a certain tradition, all you have to do is just come up with it--make it happen and it will be accepted."

--Quote from the man who started the Red Beans and Rice Parade during Mardi Gras

I am thinking about this quote over and over again as I make 20 unique awards, I call them the Leave Your Mark Award, which recognizes remarkable behavior. It's for the kids I work with.

Here's hopin they like them~~

being more specific

2009-05-06T15:43:00.000-07:00

Dear Universe:

I would like to take the opportunity to be more specific. I would like to put it out there that I want to finally be able to pay my parking ticket, and also get a new contact lens prescription, and have Alaap's computer sent here for me to borrow, and finally the Canon A1000 IS, preferably in violet, or brown if violet ones are out of stock.

I understand some things take time. I'm cool with that. It's just been so long since I had a digital camera, and contact lenses, and a functioning computer of my own with internet access. The time is nearing for these things to come into my life I think. Just putting it out there...

Also, thank you for blessing me with the opportunity to come out to NOLA, even through the difficulties I've faced being here, and the debt collectors' hounds on my trail. I know now that I am the toughest of cookies, and from here on out I am fully capable of handling up when shit goes down. Thanks for that, really, because before I used to be kind of a weenie and was afraid of a lot of things. Thanks for beefin me up. I love you for trusting me that I'll be fine.

The Universe is too deep and complex for me to comprehend, but it is not so deep that I don't see the love. I see it, it is bright and beautiful and perpetually overflowing. Praise to the Universe for bathing us in this love nonstop, even tho we may not always be aware.

some new poems!

2009-04-23T13:36:00.000-07:00

haven't written in so long. 3 days ago, however, i got inspired...
_______________________________________________

I'd be waiting for you lady
all day, emerald lady:
can't wait to undress you,
break you up,
put my fingers
all over you.
Let me lay you down lady,
I'll do you anywhere,
on the counter, the table,
over some books.
I'd roll you up,
stuffed 'til you can't take
any more, then when I feel
like I'm gonna explode
there's a SPARK and
we go to the
next level together
we feel good firing
each other up

yah I take you on
you take me on
I'd take my sweet time witcha
you feel good in my hands
put my mouth on ya
sweet lady there's no one
else baby the whole world
fades away behind the smoke.

behind us,
a trail of red glass eyes.
___________________________________________________________________________________

NOLA REALLY TAUGHT ME THIS.

Takin' it easy
is body rolling downhill
eating $3 cupcakes
walking
sidewalks
sunny day
throbbing technicolor LIFE
full bloom
long Southern branches
looming over
graceful shadows
the very Dixie essence
of hitching a ride
real quick like
to God

BE CAREFUL
BE WARY OF ONES
WHO OFFER YOU KOOL-AID
FOOD IN SPACE TUBES
so you take it easy
take it easy

a short story about giving.

2009-04-20T13:38:00.000-07:00

"things just have to be simpler," bea said. for the longest time she was holding on, but decided it was time to give it up. "it wont be like giving up on it, but rather just giving things i hold on to up to the universe. my control freak days are over."

right then and there, under the spray of sunlight and the wavy blades of grass tickling the curves of her sides, she decided on letting go. no longer would she be a slave to anxiety, but rather to embrace the unknown and be secure in the fact that she will be okay no matter what. why? because the universe loves her. because the universe loves everyone. the cosmic energy is love. in order to create, sometimes there must be destruction. flowers erupt out of the rubble, burst out from between the cracks and through the pile of debris. love rises above. she too will rise above. like a phoenix.

nola is big on phoenixes.

Today's poem of the day from the Writer's Almanac

2009-04-20T07:36:00.000-07:00

was a good one. I wanted to post it especially because Tennessee Williams lived here in NOLA--and hung out particularly in the building that is now my gelato shop in the Quarter.

Life Story

by Tennessee Williams

After you've been to bed together for the first time,
without the advantage or disadvantage of any prior acquaintance,
the other party very often says to you,
Tell me about yourself, I want to know all about you,
what's your story? And you think maybe they really and truly do

sincerely want to know your life story, and so you light up
a cigarette and begin to tell it to them, the two of you
lying together in completely relaxed positions
like a pair of rag dolls a bored child dropped on a bed.

You tell them your story, or as much of your story
as time or a fair degree of prudence allows, and they say,
Oh, oh, oh, oh, oh,
each time a little more faintly, until the oh
is just an audible breath, and then of course

there's some interruption. Slow room service comes up
with a bowl of melting ice cubes, or one of you rises to pee
and gaze at himself with mild astonishment in the bathroom mirror.
And then, the first thing you know, before you've had time
to pick up where you left off with your enthralling life story,
they're telling you their life story, exactly as they'd intended to all
along,

and you're saying, Oh, oh, oh, oh, oh,
each time a little more faintly, the vowel at last becoming
no more than an audible sigh,
as the elevator, halfway down the corridor and a turn to the left,
draws one last, long, deep breath of exhaustion
and stops breathing forever. Then?

Well, one of you falls asleep
and the other one does likewise with a lighted cigarette in his mouth,
and that's how people burn to death in hotel rooms.

"Life Story" by Tennessee Williams, from The Collected Poems of Tennessee Williams. © New Directions, 2002. Reprinted with permission (buy now)

poem about the lady who asked me about the statue of jesus, after she bought gelato.

2009-04-20T07:26:00.000-07:00

and in all
her holiness
she couldn't find
the napkins.

2009-04-20T07:24:00.001-07:00

My first art show in NOLA...

2009-04-08T10:34:00.000-07:00

All the Cohen kids are really excited. I am too. Clay made this flyer, it looks perfect.

All who are free to check it out, should...

friday was my birthday

2009-04-06T13:50:00.000-07:00

Now I am poised to meditate on my future. Zelda (dog) woke me up, and now there's no turning back. Just as well; I can use this time to think about myself...

I have been seriously troubled by the fact that I don't know what Future Paula looks like, what she is doing, etc. All I can think about is the present. I am consumed by the present moment. Is this because that's how I got myself here in the first place?

Then a writer comes along
and writes it all down
for the generations to come...
so none will forget
the hard work done,
the battles lost and won...

The sun is shining bright. There is a breeze but not as windy as it was before. I am sitting in a city that is more alive than any other city I've been in. I feel blessed and torn up at the same time.

I am away from my loved ones; I am not. I am nervous about the future, I am not. Sometimes I am excited, and then suddenly change to sad. Why is tihs? Why can't I seem to settle on one emotion?

SUPPORT GLOBAL YOUTH SERVICE DAY IN YOUR COMMUNITY!

2009-03-31T13:39:00.001-07:00

excerpt from farewell CY email

2009-03-30T10:23:00.001-07:00

3 bits of advice from me to you:

1) No is not an option. Think of a creative way to turn it into a yes. People usually want to agree with things but if they do not feel comfortable with the situation they usually will decline. Try and make it comfortable.

2) There will always be obstacles. Though you may receive 100,000 “No’s,” remember it only takes a couple of “Yes’s” for something to happen. Never give up!

3) If you want to do something… DO IT! Refer to #1 and #2 for any questions.

It has been a pleasure and honor serving alongside all of you. I will be continuing my service to the community through Volunteers in Public Schools in Baton Rouge. This is a decision that I had to make for myself. City Year Louisiana is a work in progress and you all do AMAZING work. Keep it up and we will make Louisiana a better place for our kids. If you would like to keep in touch: angelaplau@gmail.com. See you at graduation.

Yours in service,

Angela Lau

SHOWCASE EVENT FINALLY OVER!

2009-03-30T09:23:00.000-07:00

what can i say? it didn't work out smoothly, but it worked out....

-----------------
Q: what is this showcase?

A: it is part of my city year heroes program. it was my assignment to be in charge of it, everything from logistics, promo, donations, programming to everything in between. i only had 4 weeks to do it. i had it all planned out in my head running smooth, but then yesterday, well, it didn't work out smoothly, but it worked out.
-----------------

i'm feeling sooo much better though, undeniably so. this morning i woke up, took a shower and leisurely got ready for today. i went out to the back with philbert and let him run around while i made my list of TTD (things to do), sitting on the steps, sometimes swigs of wine from my bottle (shiraz is where it's at)...and even made a HUGE delicious salad for lunch.

speaking of: my skin's getting way better. i was kind of stressed last week about the showcase but tried to keep cool, and tried to keep up good eating habits, and as of late bought ointments, lotions, body washes, vaseline, pills...all to keep the eczema at bay. whatever i've been doing has been clearing me up, i intend to keep this up too until i win this battle...

for the first time in a while, i am truly optimistic and hopeful.

i plan on reflecting on the showcase, list pros & cons, send thank you's to the ones who helped me out, then look forward to the future and work on things i've neglected for the other more time-sensitive things (f.e. juan&marcia's wedding, and south by southwest).

take a deep breath, relax, work slowly and calmly. it's just work...not my life.

PS--i designed that flyer, pretty pro lookin huh? :)

MBG-NOLA COLLIDE!

2009-03-24T08:48:00.000-07:00

MBG rides in: Juan & Marcia & Philbert are sleeping. Me=King of the Hill, recovering from work. Clay just came home from Cowpoke's. Joey=disappeared in Cowpoke's "never to be seen again." Then we all meet up and King of the Hill doesn't matter anymore! Phil's ears perk up. Lindsey is reparking! Everyone hugs! Phil's wagging his tail and his butt!

I walk over to get beer. Hunter takes out his tofu sandwich. Things are opened, rolled, consumed. We relax from the long day, the road.

Pretty soon Hunter busts out his toolkit and in no time he and Justin looked like a coupla regla bike-docs in the middla da room and were all there, havin a great time reunited. They finished the repair and a few of us get on the go--out for an adventure . I can't comment anymore as I didn't go on that journey--I stayed back with Lindsey and Philbert and all pretty much passed out. I woke up 2-3 hours later, to Juan, Marcia and Lindsey talkin. I got up and got ready to go back to Htown and saw Jason sleepin but no Clay, Hunter, Little Bike or Justin. And that was the last time I saw my beloved bike community. I have been contemplating certain topics as of late, including but not limited to: identity, cultures, comparing and contrasting two different, completely unique environments. Dogs. Friends. Family. Organic. All natural...work with what you've got. Savor the moments. You can't control people. You can't own people.

GLUTEN FREE NUTS AND GRAINS

2009-03-19T10:57:00.002-07:00

* Almond flour low carb alternative to wheat flour
* Amaranth (extremely nutritious)
* Arrowroot (great as a thickener for soups and sauces)
* Buckwheat (not a form or wheat, despite its name)
* Millet (not just bird feed!)
* Quinoa (pronounced keen-wah) a real superfood!
* Rice a good form of starch but with less protein than other grains
* Tapioca (used for more than that horrible pudding you ate at school!) is produced from a root
* Chickpeas or garbanzo beans (ground into a flour called Gram or besan)
* Lentils(a small round pulse that doesn't need soaking overnight before cooking)
* Carob (a sweet flour, it is made from the ground bean pods rather than the beans themselves)
* Coconut flour
* Corn or maize
* Job's tears can be used as a substitute for pearl barley
* Soy beans can be used in a similar way to grains...flakes, grits, flour and bran
* Sesame
* Sunflower seeds
* Sweet Chestnuts
* Sorghum or milo
* Teff grain - the tiniest grain in the world!
* Potato (yes it can be made into a flour-like starch)

some more raw food recipes...

2009-03-19T09:51:00.000-07:00

the following are from rawglow.com

Green Soup
Cecilia's version of Energy Soup

Ingredients

1/2 English cucumber roughly chopped
5 ribs celery roughly chopped
1/4 cup dulse seaweed
1/2 bell pepper
2 small tomatoes
2 tablespoons raw cabbage sauerkraut
1 teaspoon Simply Organic All Purpose Seasoning (www.frontiercoop.com) or other desired seasoning
1/2 cup greens chopped (spinach, chard, kale, mixed or baby greens)
1/2 avocado
Garnish:
1 cup sprouts

Add ingredients in blender, except garnishes, and blend until smooth. Add more or less dulse and seasonings if you prefer. Garnish with your choice of dulse, sprouts, chopped bell pepper, parsley, tomatoes, avocado, and greens. For an extra green soup you can add a teaspoon of green powder such as spirulina.

* If kale is bitter only add two leaves.
************************************************************************************

Healing Soup

Ingredients
an alkanizing, mineralizng, nutrient dense soup

1 young coconut water
1 English Cucumber
1/2 bell pepper
2 celery ribs
1/2 avocado
juice from 1 lime
2 large chard leaves or 4 small
3 green onion
pinch cayenne pepper
small handful of cilantro, mint, rosemary, or any favorite combo of fresh herbs
small handful Dulse seaweed (optional)

Blend coconut water, 1/2 English cucumber, 2 ribs celery, 1/2 avocado, chard leaves, 1 green onion, lime juice, seaweed, and pinch of cayenne in a powerful blender until smooth. Then add the 1/2 bell pepper, 1/2 English cucumber, 2 green onions, and the handfuls of fresh herbs. Pulse a few times until the herbs are roughly chopped. Garnish with tomato, avocado, bell pepper, green onion, and fresh herbs.
*************************************************************************

Cauliflower Rice with Ginger Lime Sauce

Ginger Lime Sauce

1 lime juiced
1 kaffir lime leave (optional)
2 young coconut waters
1 inch knob ginger
2 teaspoons light (chickpea, brown rice, or white) miso
1/8 teaspoon cayenne or ground chili flakes
1 tiny little piece of a red chili pepper (optional)
1 small handful of basil leaves
2 avocados ( adjust avocados to how creamy you would like the dressing)

Blend all ingredients in the blender until smooth.

Cauliflower Rice

2 heads of cauliflower processed with the S-blade in the food processor until a rice like consistency

Garnish

Chopped green onion, cilantro, basil, mango, and bell pepper

Pour sauce over rice and garnish.

a revolution in diet

2009-03-19T06:56:00.000-07:00

health is a natural state affected by surroundings and the internal. balance. toxins are something that can invade and affect health; cannot be completely removed but can be reaction can be controlled. REACTION CAN BE CONTROLLED. ### notice patterns. behavioral patterns, cause and effect patterns. be damn near obsessive. jot everything down. be more aware of the specific details of your body's daily movements and reactions. everything has a story to tell. every thing means something. deciphering the meaning out of the convoluted subtle language of the cosmos is definitely a daunting task for even the most sublime being imaginable.

Our body is made of food energy, light energy, fire, water and air. the most common cause of eczema is malnutrition. perhaps a lack of nutrients, something compensating for something. running out cuz that's not a sustainable way to live (buzz word of the new century = sustainable). balance alkaline and acid in food and body. i need a juicer.

Timing of Eating - Natural Body Cycle:

You should eat in compliance with the body's metabolic cycle . The body seems to have three different metabolic periods which cycle every 24 hours.

1. Elimination and maintenance period: From 4am to noon the cells are dumping waste products, and manufacturing and/or repairing cells. Choose foods for breakfast that allow your body to continue the process of elimination and maintenance.

2. Digestive period: From noon to 8pm the body's metabolism is geared towards digestion. Since digestion of foods demands a tremendous amount of energy, it would make sense to eat the biggest meal our body can digest between noon and 8pm (Cousens, pp. 101-102). The earlier within this time frame, the better (I personally eat my biggest meal between 3:30 and 6pm).

3. Assimilation period: From 8pm to 4am the body is mobilizing nutrients and directing them to the cells.

Eating in compliance with these three metabolic periods will afford more efficient digestion, assimilation, cleansing and maintenance of the cells and therefore proper healing can occur.

Here's how I've learned to eat breakfast, lunch and dinner so that what I eat honors the function of the metabolic periods.

Breakfast:

Start your day with fruits. They are the simplest and most efficient way for the body to produce energy and to continue the process of elimination and maintenance.

* Eat some raw fruits in the morning: apples (eat the skin also), pears, oranges, bananas....etc. or,

* Make a fruit smoothie. Add into the blender with some spring water or fresh coconut water, some of your favorite fruits. Examples: bananas, mangos, papayas, figs, different types of berries, peaches, dates, apricots and coconut meat. The only fruits not to add in the smoothie mix are melons, blueberries and grapefruit. It is recommended that you eat these fruits separately. If you are worried about the sugar content of the fruits, then choose your fruits from the low-glycemic foods family to start your day with. Here's a list: apples, oranges, cherries, peaches, all berries, plums and pears. These fruits will release their glucose into the blood more slowly and thus require a more moderate insulin response.

Add to your smoothie two tablespoons of golden flax seeds freshly ground in a coffee grinder and the following super food supplements: wild crafted blue green algae, green drink mix, organic unheated coconut oil and probiotics. It is highly recommended that you add all of the superfood supplements in your morning smoothie.

Lunch:

Lunch time occurs during the digestion period. I recommend you eat this meal before 4pm.

For cooking use either fresh, unheated coconut oil or ghee (clarified butter). For cold preparation, use extra virgin olive oil. Veggies are either lightly steamed or raw.

Choose from the following lunch meals:

1. Salmon and vegetables.

2. Halibut and vegetables.

3. Oysters and vegetables

4. Brown rice and vegetables.

5. Sweet potatoes and vegetables.

6. Potatoes and vegetables.

7. Boiled eggs and vegetables.

8. Soft raw goat cheese and vegetables.

9. Ezekiel or Manna bread (sprouted grains) with avocado, tomato, cilantro, and/or olives.

10. Vegetable soup and ezekiel bread or salad.

11. Large salad with an assortment of vegetables with added raw nuts or soft raw goat cheese. Make your own fresh salad dressing, (my favorite recipe is a mix of raw almond butter, apple cider vinegar, fresh lemon, tamari sauce, maple syrup, cumin powder, garlic powder, and some fresh assortment of herbs).

12. Steamed green beans with boiled potatoes and a small salad.

13. Miso soup, brown rice and steamed vegetables.

14. Sauted mushrooms in coconut oil with tamari sauce for taste mixed with brown rice and a small salad.

15. Mashed potatoes using coconut milk and butter, with sauted mushrooms in tamari sauce and a small salad.

Dinner:

Dinner time occurs during the digestion period. I recommend you eat this meal by 8pm. A glass of vegetable juice at night is the most important meal to help you heal from eczema quickly. Make sure you drink a 16 to 24 oz. dark green veggie juice every night . (This veggie juice would consist mostly of dark green vegetables such as parsley, kale, cucumber, zucchini, bell pepper, celery and cilantro).

Some recommended vegetables for nightly juice:

* Celery - two stalks. Celery gives the body a natural diuretic effect and aids in the elimination of carbon dioxide from the body. The sodium content will neutralize acid ash (residue of acidic foods) in the body,

* Parsley - 1/2 bunch. Extremely high in nutrients. An excellent cleanser and potentiator of all bodily functions.

* Carrots - Two med. size. Because most of the phytochemicals are located at the top part of the carrot, don't cut the top off, instead leave the hat part, but discard the green shoots.

* Cilantro - 1/4 bunch. Has the ability to remove mercury, lead, cadmium and other heavy metals from the body.

* Kale - 2 to 3 leaves. A very nutrient rich vegetable. One of the best cancer fighting vegetables found on our planet. Kale is the richest of all leafy greens in carotenoids (powerful anti-cancer agents). Kale's calcium content is easily assimilated, making it a wonder food for arthritis, osteoporosis, bone loss disorders and skin health.

* Cucumber - 1/2 cucumber. A great diuretic (helps remove excess fluids from the body because it promotes urination). Excellent as a blood cleanser. (If you burn your skin, cut a cucumber open and apply it for relief from pain.)

* An apple to sweeten your juice.

Add and alternate, in very moderate amounts, to your basic vegetable juice every night: 1/4 beet, some cabbage, zucchini, bell pepper, bok choy... etc.

If you are still hungry after this drink, eat some raw (organic whenever possible) nuts and/or seeds. Pine nuts (highest protein content of all nuts), walnuts, pumpkin seeds, sunflower seeds (unsalted and raw), and soaked almonds.

Sometimes, you might come back from work too tired to juice, we suggest you make a bowl of salad, add raw nuts and toss. Make sure you make your own fresh salad dressing.

Snacks:

1. Fresh or dehydrated fruits (avoid dehydrated fruits if you are diabetic).
2. Freshly cut up vegetables like cucumber or carrots.
3. Unsalted nuts or seeds.

P.S.--
-unheated, organic coconut oil
-sea vegetables/bluegreen algae/leafy greens
-garlic
-probiotics galore
-papayas
-celery, zucchini, mangoes, prunes
-sunflower seeds
-anise, caraway, fennel seeds + ginger

THIS IS THE TOOTH

2009-03-13T21:47:00.000-07:00

sent to me by my sis. funny because today i took a pic of this exact same graff of einstein here in nola.

my sis and i are connected more than we know; times like this jog me out of mindless-worker bee-1984 style compliance; like a slapping me awake to the ever eternal fact that my connections with my loved ones (related or otherwise) are soo deep. and that the universe is alive and loves me (and all of us) more than we'll ever know.

the waters of march

2009-03-06T21:23:00.000-08:00

Waters of March

A stick, a stone,
It's the end of the road,
It's the rest of a stump,
It's a little alone

It's a sliver of glass,
It is life, it's the sun,
It is night, it is death,
It's a trap, it's a gun

The oak when it blooms,
A fox in the brush,
A knot in the wood,
The song of a thrush

The wood of the wind,
A cliff, a fall,
A scratch, a lump,
It is nothing at all

It's the wind blowing free,
It's the end of the slope,
It's a beam, it's a void,
It's a hunch, it's a hope

And the river bank talks
of the waters of March,
It's the end of the strain,
The joy in your heart

The foot, the ground,
The flesh and the bone,
The beat of the road,
A slingshot's stone

A fish, a flash,
A silvery glow,
A fight, a bet,
The range of a bow

The bed of the well,
The end of the line,
The dismay in the face,
It's a loss, it's a find

A spear, a spike,
A point, a nail,
A drip, a drop,
The end of the tale

A truckload of bricks
in the soft morning light,
The shot of a gun
in the dead of the night

A mile, a must,
A thrust, a bump,
It's a girl, it's a rhyme,
It's a cold, it's the mumps

The plan of the house,
The body in bed,
And the car that got stuck,
It's the mud, it's the mud

Afloat, adrift,
A flight, a wing,
A hawk, a quail,
The promise of spring

And the riverbank talks
of the waters of March,
It's the promise of life
It's the joy in your heart

A stick, a stone,
It's the end of the road
It's the rest of a stump,
It's a little alone

A snake, a stick,
It is John, it is Joe,
It's a thorn in your hand
and a cut in your toe

A point, a grain,
A bee, a bite,
A blink, a buzzard,
A sudden stroke of night

A pin, a needle,
A sting, a pain,
A snail, a riddle,
A wasp, a stain

A pass in the mountains,
A horse and a mule,
In the distance the shelves
rode three shadows of blue

And the riverbank talks
of the waters of March,
It's the promise of life
in your heart, in your heart

A stick, a stone,
The end of the road,
The rest of a stump,
A lonesome road

A sliver of glass,
A life, the sun,
A knife, a death,
The end of the run

And the riverbank talks
of the waters of March,
It's the end of all strain,
It's the joy in your heart.

today will be a great day.

2009-02-17T08:31:00.000-08:00

because today will go by fast.
because tutoring eric will be great.
the 2 hour meeting won't be that bad.
the 7th graders will be awesome.
i will walk home and i will enjoy it.

everything will be okay.

re-, re-, re-....

2009-02-12T06:33:00.000-08:00

the prefix meaning "to do over".

RETHINK what i came here for, my plans of actions.
REEVALUATE plans and budgets.
RESTRICT myself from spending money today.

and clean my board, prep for tutoring, and keep preparing for the future....it's gonna be a long, hectic ride.

i emailed ann, my cousin, last weekend cuz i missed her. saw her reply this morning, it made me tear up a bit...

"...Im not such a big fan myself of large crowds i get cloasterphoic (sp?). Lent -- you see my new years resolution was become a vegetarian until the end of lent, it didnt really worrk out, so now i must be on a journey looking for a new one. But the tree of ideas is growing so im getting there. I would love to know more, it sounds like your having so much fun over there. Im glad you found something you like to do. It must be really exiciting everyday, waking up in the morning and knowing that your day is going to be filled with helping people in this world of chaos!..."

so there's the reality that you know for yourself, then the one you project to others, and then there's the one others interpret of you. they are all real to a degree.

i must stop dwelling on what i know for myself, and maybe focus on how ann interprets it. from her perspective, i have a great life :)

phewf!

2009-02-05T14:58:00.000-08:00

I don't know what was in that chicken I smoked this morning,
or the coffee I got from Whole Foods,
or the raw food from Whole Foods,
or WHAT

but I am so impressed with myself because I finished ALL the things on my TTD list!

YAY!

It WAS an awesome day after all.

I hope it was for others as well...

MY HERO: CHARLES BUKOWSKI

2009-01-16T11:44:00.000-08:00

Charles Bukowski was born in Andernach, Germany on August 16, 1920, the only child of an American soldier and a German mother. At the age of three, he came with his family to the United States and grew up in Los Angeles. He attended Los Angeles City College from 1939 to 1941, then left school and moved to New York City to become a writer. His lack of publishing success at this time caused him to give up writing in 1946 and spurred a ten-year stint of heavy drinking. After he developed a bleeding ulcer, he decided to take up writing again. He worked a wide range of jobs to support his writing, including dishwasher, truck driver and loader, mail carrier, guard, gas station attendant, stock boy, warehouse worker, shipping clerk, post office clerk, parking lot attendant, Red Cross orderly, and elevator operator. He also worked in a dog biscuit factory, a slaughterhouse, a cake and cookie factory, and he hung posters in New York City subways.

Bukowski published his first story when he was twenty-four and began writing poetry at the age of thirty-five. His writing often featured a depraved metropolitan environment, downtrodden members of American society, direct language, violence, and sexual imagery, and many of his works center around a roughly autobiographical figure named Henry Chinaski. His first book of poetry was published in 1959; he went on to publish more than forty-five books of poetry and prose, including Pulp (Black Sparrow, 1994), Screams from the Balcony: Selected Letters 1960-1970 (1993), and The Last Night of the Earth Poems (1992). He died of leukemia in San Pedro on March 9, 1994.
-----------------------

THAT IS WHAT IT TAKES. I know this, have always known this. For the art to live, the artist must sometimes work different shit jobs like Bukowski, or lead a double life job like Wallace Stevens (insurance agent!) or William Carlos Williams (doctor who delivered babies!). Through all this, the artist must never lose sight of his art, why he must experience strife, and sometimes near poverty and seemingly abysmal debt. However, through all this, the artist and his spirit usually prevails....the trick to prevailing: putting your heart into it, and never giving up.

Go Hank! Thank you for existing

2009-01-07T07:00:00.000-08:00

YOU ARE THE SUN, BRINGING LIGHT INTO THE WORLD.
YOU ARE NEEDED, YOU ARE LOVED.
TODAY IS A BLESSING, A GIFT
YOU CAN'T EVER GET BACK: SHINE THE BRIGHTEST YOU CAN.

Today, as first order of business (after getting breakfast and checking other emails), I submitted an idea for a mural to be done next Monday for MLK Service Day. It's simple: a rising sun with all the beautiful dawn colors to catch people's attention, and the poem I just wrote somewhere over the dawn scene.

If the uppers like my idea, we will paint it on a wall at Walter L. Cohen High School, a school in which at least one girl in every class is pregnant, and most of the population will probably end up in jail, or at least quite unprepared for the real world ahead.

This is why I moved to New Orleans, baby.

Here's praying the Universe will let me inspire others with this mural idea...

Did this really come from the Dalai Lama?

2009-01-06T10:22:00.000-08:00

Well, I don't think so; nevertheless, it's good advice.

INSTRUCTIONS FOR LIFE

1. Take into account that great love and great achievements involve great risk.

2. When you lose, don't lose the lesson.

3. Follow the three Rs:

Respect for self
Respect for others and
Responsibility for all your actions.

4. Remember that not getting what you want is sometimes a wonderful stroke of luck.

5. Learn the rules so you know how to break them properly.

6. Don't let a little dispute injure a great friendship.

7. When you realise you've made a mistake, take immediate steps to correct it.

8. Spend some time alone every day.

9. Open your arms to change, but don't let go of your values.

10. Remember that silence is sometimes the best answer.

11. Live a good, honourable life. Then when you get older and think back, you'll be able to enjoy it a second time.

12. A loving atmosphere in your home is the foundation for your life.

13. In disagreements with loved ones, deal only with the current situation. Don't bring up the past.

14. Share your knowledge. It's a way to achieve immortality.

15. Be gentle with the earth.

16. Once a year, go someplace you've never been before.

17. Remember that the best relationship is one in which your love for each other exceeds your need for each other.

18. Judge your success by what you had to give up in order to get it.

19. Approach love and cooking with reckless abandon.

proverbs 3:5-6

2008-12-18T09:53:00.000-08:00

i miss many people. i never saw my departure as "escaping" or "running away", and no longer look at my departure as "tearing myself away from important things" but instead it was a sabbatical for growth, enrichment, striving to reach further out, so i may come back with "a great long story to tell," as that old Robert Johnson song said.

i miss people, so many of them, that i dont connect with anymore simply because life makes me so busy and tired, and also i dont live in houston anymore: annica, jp, jorge, mark, ilea, joel, kim, khrys, claire, amy, adrian chavana, sean carroll, the poets that used to do notsuoh poetry nights, notsuoh in general, chad, mark armes, soundwaves people, the guy who owned notsuoh and also his daughter who was sweet and very smart, my family, that cute waitress at diner 59 that was sweet to me always, juan carlos, juan fantasy and the rest of MBG, jackie gray. i even miss the ones that push me away--i. & l., my two boys that for some reason just need their time like i needed mine, so i gotta respect.

i was one of those people that had a beatles phase; i knew most of their songs. one of them: In My Life

i let it all go, i wont be sad. at least i can always look forward to reuniting, and feel comfort in the fact that nothing can separate me from the people i share deep love with, not time, space, or _______.

2008-12-16T07:37:00.000-08:00

Please don't forget. Please understand also what a big commitment lies ahead, so you see we need this time apart.

I must tear apart my heart with my own hands, dripping like a slice of melon on the porch of a hot summer day, and again like a melon because I've become hard on the outside but inside still so sweet and ready to give.

We need time alone, to focus on personal growth. I want to come to you with so much to offer, overflowing with life picked up from faraway lands and lessons from different lives I've lived, jewels from foreign kingdoms I've mined the ends of the earth for a rich life to share with you. I hope you're doing the same.

This is not to say all my moments without you are wonderful; the thing about adventures is that sometimes it's not fun going through it but fun to recount afterward. I take it all in for me, for the moment of my return.

The long lonely nights, the restlessness as I think about who you might be with, my hesitation when I share moments with other people, the fear I may not find my way back to you--the deeper pain carves into me, the bigger hole I have for love to pour in.

in a weird funk

2008-12-09T07:23:00.000-08:00

perhaps its cuz i'm tired? i'm kind of all over the place, and can't wait to have a break.

i visualize having a great day today. i visualize detachment from _______. i visualize a profitable day at La Divina. I visualize finding my notebook there under the counter. I visualize buying a little radio thing from Walgreens.

at least i look cute today.

my brain's dead, left my mind in lawrence, kansas years ago. i fast-forward to years later, in India getting certified to teach yoga.

what you were like

2008-12-08T08:46:00.000-08:00

when you were in middle school/high school is in some ways how you are now.

but NOT completely.

why? because people do possess the ability to change, yet there is an undeniable nature that people have, like its just how they are, it's just their way, their essence.

i realize CITY YEAR is like high school sometimes, and my high school experience wasn't that great! people have a choice though, about how they are.

the most important thing i've learned about CY and working in teams is that COMMUNICATION is soooo very important. it's the most important thing. talking about feelings is something that shouldn't be ignored.

i want to go back to new orleans after i'm done with my certification. i am also considering perhaps connecticut, cali or maybe new york?

TOP TEN STATES FOR TEACHER PAY, according to About.com

1. Connecticut
$56,516

2. California
$56,444

3. New York
$55,181

4. Rhode Island
$54,809

5. Michigan
$54,474

6. Illinois
$53,820

7. New Jersey
$53,663

8. Massachusetts
$53,274

9. Pennsylvania
$52,640

10. Alaska
$51,136

2008-12-03T14:48:00.001-08:00

petty
self perception
misconceptions
miscommunications
interested in myself
deeply interested in myself
mirrors all around
internalization
slightly confused
personal interest
confused interests
conflicted interests

ready to share
sometimes defensive
easy going
easily bothered
testing myself
losing focus?
quick to help
quick to judge

dont really want attention
yet loves the stage
exhibitionist with deep internal conflickt
splitting up if not already split
cold heart
time made her mean
resent building a berlin wall
an urge to shut down
urge to dispel
ignore old friends she perceives she has no more room for
she wants to start anew and none of them to be invited back
wiser than that she knows
the consequences of burning bridges

NEWS FROM NOLA #6

2008-11-20T10:48:00.000-08:00

I fell behind on my updates because my laptop crapped out on me. I knew that day would come, and I'm just handling it in stride. I work with it. I've been writing more in my paper journal. Maybe later I will transcribe. But for now...quick and dirty:

**I've gotten into the Zeitgeist arts community here in NOLA. Very awesome because it includes awesome people like Kidd Jordan, Rob Cambre, and many others. I was also responsible for connecting the Zeitgeist Multidisciplinary Arts Center with City Year, and now they are partnering. That was very awesome and unexpected, who knew small actions could ripple into bigger things?

**Another ripple: got my friend Jonathan his first job at my gelato shop! It's my first time referring someone, and I think it's going to work out fine. I'm excited. Also, the bossman's thinkin of setting up a poetry circle on wednesday nights...

**Developed a serious case of athlete's foot. It's been like 2 weeks of hellfest pain. no fun at all. wouldn't wish this on my worst enemy. this shit HURTS. i went to a free clinic, COMMON GROUND, and they really helped me. They had all kinds of people there: an herbalist, an acupuncturist, a general practioner, and dermatologist. I was blessed getting set up with that. It was COMPLETELY FREE (can't say that enough!) but I donated all the cash I had on me to their organization.

Having athlete's foot this bad has really taken a toll on my life. Let me count the ways:

1. It made me really crabby last week because I couldn't figure out what was happening to me, and what to do. That shit comes on really fast. It preoccupied me, so I wasn't being productive at work. My teammates probably felt unhappy with me.

2. I missed work yesterday and this past Tuesday. Sucks because I also called in for my gelato shop shift, and Lord knows I need that dough

3. NO SKATING!!!!! This might be like the worst thing of all. I hate this so much. Means I have to bike to the Quarter now, and it makes me nervous because I hate having to deal with flats. I pray to God angels guard my tires and keep me safe from tire troubles.

4. It HURT to stand up and work my shifts at the gelato shop. I am actually HANDICAPPED.

5. Gotta watch my dairy intake because the meds I'm taking are affected my calcium. Sucks because I sure love me some cheese. Almost everything in my fridge has milk in it.

6. NO SKATING! Did I mention this already?

7. Sometimes I have to hobble as I walk. And also I HAVE to wear flip flops. I hate it cuz my feet still get dirty, and I have to watch where I step to not bother my feet. Also, I don't like that constant schlak! schlak! schlak! sound that comes with such footwear; I find it bothersome.

8. I have been re-inspired to explore deconstruction of T-shirts. I'm excited because I'm scheduled to get a couple free t-shirts, one from the school I'm working in, and also one from the Po-Boy Festival that I'm going to volunteer at this Sunday!

**PO-BOY FESTIVAL! It's coming up! I'm working the beer booth and merchandise. It's gonna be a festival of JAZZFEST proportions, and I'm excited because the entrance is free, and theres going to be LOTS of great food. and I'll be doing beer so I might be able to sneak a swig or two...

visualize to realize

2008-11-13T06:27:00.001-08:00

I visualize blessings, and victories every day and especially today.

I visualize having a great day, and a victory in the courthouse. i visualize a great day at the gelato shop.

I will remember to bring some cds to work, and also that I will have ample time to go home, relax, play clarinet, clean bearings and skate to work.

I visualize having a great day with the kids!

I pray for positive energy and may I be a source of positivity, and hope.

NEWS FROM NOLA #5

2008-10-15T11:49:00.000-07:00

It's been a while, yes, but only because it's been quite tough lately. How, you ask?

1) Got kicked out of the hostel and almost had to sleep in my car but Clay's boss Mike was so nice and invited us to come to his apartment instead.

2) Finally got into an apartment, it's been crazy trying to juggle finances, and also it's been a tedious process trying to get the gas on; and now the latest drama is that we have mice!

3) Been tryin hard hard hard to get another job, or at least something to supplement what I make. I don't want to be dependent on Clay, my mom or anyone for help. I know it sounds like I ask for the impossible (I seem to have a knack for that), but last Sunday I started my job as a barista/gelato person, it's a great job. I've been blessed to work there.

4) It's been hard to live with Clay lately. Financial stresses, adjusting to responsibility and the real world, and sometimes I just plain dont want to do what he wants to do, and he takes it very personal.

5) Work has had its fair share of drama too. Restructuring of our team, creating and making things happen, planning and coordination...all that can be a bit much.

6) My laptop broke down on me: a BIG reason why I haven't been online. It finally kicked the bucket, like I knew it would. I'm sure I'll get one in due time.

...and that, in a nutshell, is what I've been going through lately.

However, although it's been so hard to be here, there have been blessings too. Such as the angels I was blessed with today as I tried to settle the drama of getting my car out of impound (it was towed away while I was trying to get foodstamps!). Bless J.T. for picking me up from the Social Services building. Bless Mr. Richard for helping me in tracking down my car. Bless the secretary and Mr. Brown for helping in my dismissal. Bless Kirsten for talking to me and giving me support, and the po boy man for being so concerned about me.

As easy as it is to find people who don't care, it's also easy to find people who DO care and want to help.

I've been so tired lately. Seems like I can't sleep enough, and when I sleep too much, I still get tired.

I've been disinterested in sex as of late. I hate how Clay tries to get it on with me when I don't want to do it; I wish to get my own bed very soon. I hate how sex still makes me feel weird and ownsy and complicates everything.

I think I expect too much.

The thought of entering into grad programs to one day teach a class along the lines of What the Bleep Do We Know? has been intriguing me.

I think it's time to go into hermit mode. A retreat inward. I need to block everyone out and listen to the cosmos within. I fear however: will my aversion truly hurt me if I take this time to focus on myself and be quiet for a moment? What have I got to lose? Lucas is living his life, Clay is becoming increasingly adversive, demanding and tedious. All that can wait. I need my time for me.

If I stop watering the plant of Lucas/Paula, will it really die?

BIDEN & PALIN: ONE IN THE SAME

2008-10-03T07:00:00.001-07:00

How? They are both liars, or at the very least, mis-leaders.

Why would I vote for these people to be my leader when they mislead people with their words and proposed intentions!?

By CALVIN WOODWARD, Associated Press Writer
1 hour, 58 minutes ago

WASHINGTON - Republican Sarah Palin criticized a version of a Barack Obama health care plan that doesn't exist and Democrat Joe Biden clung to a misleading charge about Republicans and big oil when the two clashed in the vice presidential debate Thursday.

Some examples of facts cast adrift in the debate:

PALIN: Said of Democratic presidential candidate Obama: "94 times he voted to increase taxes or not support a tax reduction."

THE FACTS: The dubious count includes repetitive votes as well as votes to cut taxes for the middle class while raising them on the rich. An analysis by factcheck.org found that 23 of the votes were for measures that would have produced no tax increase at all, seven were in favor of measures that would have lowered taxes for many, 11 would have increased taxes on only those making more than $1 million a year.

___

BIDEN: Complained about "economic policies of the last eight years" that led to "excessive deregulation."

THE FACTS: Biden voted for 1999 deregulation that liberal groups are blaming for part of the financial crisis today. The law allowed Wall Street investment banks to create the kind of mortgage-related securities at the core of the problem now. The law was widely backed by Republicans as well as by Democratic President Clinton, who argues it has stopped the crisis today from being worse.

___

PALIN: Criticized Obama's "plan to mandate health care coverage and have universal government run program" for health care, and added: "I don't think it's going to be real pleasing for Americans to consider health care being taken over by the Feds."

THE FACTS: Wrong on several counts. Obama's plan does not provide for universal coverage, only mandates insurance for children and doesn't turn the system over to the government. Most people would still get private insurance through their work. Obama proposes that the government subsidize the cost of health coverage for millions who have trouble affording it and he'd set up an exchange to negotiate prices and benefits with private insurers — with one option being a government-run plan.

___

BIDEN: Warned that Republican presidential candidate John McCain's $5,000 tax credit to help families buy health coverage "will go straight to the insurance company."

THE FACTS: That's not surprising — the money is meant to pay for health insurance. The Obama campaign tried to capitalize on the candidates' health care exchange by issuing an ad Friday contending that the Republicans can't explain "the McCain health tax."

___

PALIN: "Two years ago, remember, it was John McCain who pushed so hard with the Fannie Mae and Freddie Mac reform measures. He sounded that warning bell."

THE FACTS: Republican Sen. Chuck Hagel of Nebraska led an effort in 2005 to tighten regulation on the mortgage underwriters — McCain joined as a co-sponsor a year later. The legislation was never taken up by the full Senate, then under Republican control.

___

BIDEN: Said McCain supports tax breaks for oil companies, and "wants to give them another $4 billion tax cut."

THE FACTS: Biden is repeating a favorite saw of the Obama campaign, and it's misleading. McCain supports a cut in income taxes for all corporations, and doesn't single out any one industry for that benefit.

___

PALIN: Said the United States has reduced its troop level in Iraq to a number below where it was when the troop increase began in early 2007.

THE FACTS: Not correct. The Pentagon says there are currently 152,000 U.S. troops in Iraq, about 17,000 more than there were before the 2007 military buildup began.

___

BIDEN: "As a matter of fact, John recently wrote an article in a major magazine saying that he wants to do for the health care industry — deregulate it and let the free market move — like he did for the banking industry."

THE FACTS: Biden and Obama have been perpetuating this distortion of what McCain wrote in an article for the American Academy of Actuaries. McCain, laying out his health plan, only referred to deregulation when saying people should be allowed to buy health insurance across state lines. In that context, he wrote: "Opening up the health insurance market to more vigorous nationwide competition, as we have done over the last decade in banking, would provide more choices of innovative products less burdened by the worst excesses of state-based regulation."

___

PALIN: Said Alaska is "building a nearly $40 billion natural gas pipeline, which is North America's largest and most expensive infrastructure project ever to flow those sources of energy into hungry markets."

THE FACTS: Not quite. Construction is at least six years away. So far the state has only awarded a license to Trans Canada Corp., that comes with $500 million in seed money in exchange for commitments toward a lengthy and costly process to getting a federal certificate. At an August news conference after the state Legislature approved the license, Palin said, "It's not a done deal."

___

PALIN: "Barack Obama even supported increasing taxes as late as last year for those families making only $42,000 a year."

BIDEN: "The charge is absolutely not true. Barack Obama did not vote to raise taxes."

THE FACTS: The vote was on a nonbinding budget resolution that assumed that President Bush's tax cuts would expire, as scheduled, in 2011. If that actually happened, it could mean higher taxes for people making as little as about $42,000. But Obama is proposing tax increases only on the wealthy, and would cut taxes for most others.

___

PALIN: Said a McCain-Palin administration "will support Israel," including "building our embassy ... in Jerusalem."

THE FACTS: Moving the U.S. Embassy from its present location in Tel Aviv to Jerusalem is a perennial promise of presidential candidates courting the Jewish-American vote. In fact, moving the embassy is actually required by U.S. law. But successive administrations of both parties, including George W. Bush's, have made the same pledge only to find that the realities of Middle East peacemaking have forced them to invoke a waiver to delay it. Jerusalem is claimed as a capital by both Israel and the Palestinians and Israel's occupation of east Jerusalem is not internationally recognized. The city's status is one of the key issues of disagreement in peace negotiations between Israel and the Palestinians.

___

Associated Press writers Tom Raum, Steve Quinn, Jim Kuhnhenn, Lolita Baldor and Matthew Lee contributed to this report.

NEWS FROM NOLA #4

2008-09-20T19:09:00.000-07:00

I am so impressed with myself: I'm doing great on the upkeep of my updates! I now feel foolish for questioning my commitment~

Well, my beloved audience, this is a funny NFN because I am writing it only to report: I HAVE A NEW FETISH: WIGS. Yes, wigs. I am afraid this fetish will be lifelong, and I do not fear the commitment it takes to maintaining the wig and my real hair. I actually welcome it, look forward to it, and that's quite odd...

I was walking on Canal St. yesterday, trying to kill time while my 1 hr. photos develop. I found a beauty shop with all kinds of beautiful wigs in it. I stepped inside...it started out as an innocent voyeur into the world of ethnic beauty, then I found her: long, straight black hair, with bangs that hang straight down or sweep to the side depending on how one wears her. Her. Her, sitting on a shelf amidst other wigs, seemingly unnoticeable, simple, all black and no streaks. Her: La Trina.

I was tickled by the fact that the wig shop lady (her name is Nellie) kept calling the wigs "her". I didn't laugh though, I kept my cool cuz baby, maybe that's just the nature of the wig world, they take "them" seriously, and it's kind of fun. Not at all creepy, it's like putting on characters, airs, personalities, etc. I welcome the quirks of the wig world with open arms, not at all strange though that may not mean much coming from me because I am, as I've heard many people say, "a strange one". La Trina's synthetic but people here at the hostel could swear it's my real hair if they didn't see me before. I'm tickled and tickled some more.

I don't think I'd wear her when I'm skating, though I'm sure by typing that out I've already written out the future, with me on a board and La Trina on my head, waving behind me like an onyx afterthought. Imagine younger Cher cruisin through NOLA on a longboard, thats probably how I'll be. Perhaps I'll do it once, or at least I'll do it when it's cold and I don't sweat as much, because sweat may cause bacteria to develop under the wig and make it bad news blues.

My father will shit himself when he sees me. He never wanted me to do anything to my hair (I grew up lookin like Winnie Cooper from The Wonder Years), and has always wished it was long again. Thanks to the wonder of wigs, Papa, your wish has come true!

Wigs, I've learned, take a lot of care. I've done my research. Maintenance requires:

-wig stand
-wig brush
-wig shampoo
-wig conditioner
-hair caps
-some bobby pins

Apparently, this is the bare minimum of maintenance, but it'll go a long way. Wigs are to be washed every 12-15 uses, and should be kept away from heat, and stored on the wig stand. For now, I'll have to lay it flat or something, perhaps hang it on the coat hook? I don't want it to lose shape, so a stand, at the very, very least, is necessary.

And so begins my lifelong love of the wigs. I call La Trina, and my newfound love of wigs, my "New Orleans style". I am excited also because my hair takes so long to grow, I'd probably be 40 by the time my real hair hangs down my back. Hair accentuations ain't only for cancer patients and actresses baby!

NEWS FROM NOLA #3

2008-09-16T23:13:00.002-07:00

My how the state of me has changed in only 24 hours...

Currently in a place called India House. To describe India House:
1. It is 200 years old, survived Katrina.

2. The "owner" is a cat, Lil Joker, who has been here since "the old days".

3. This place is a hostel, used to be a brothel.

4. The room we have is called "Zambezi", has lots of awesome amenities like free wifi, great kitchen, great outdoor kitchen, awesome fellow transients, positive vibes, super close to work.

5. "We get offended if people don't have a good time here, so we wholeheartedly encourage drinking!"

...and so forth...this is truly an experience, can't help but feel lucky and proud to be here in this place!

The documentarian I am, cant help but talk about positive stuff as well as report bad news too...which is that i'm only gonna be making $680 taxed in a month! I will still get stuff like $700 worth of Timberland gear from head to toe, free cell phone, $4,725 for loans, they pay for my interest, super valuable experience and working with kids to change their community like I wanted to do...but man that ain't too much dough at all! I feel sorta jipped...especially since they can't help me with AES loans due to the fact that AES doesn't acknowledge Americorps for deferment! don't ask me why, stupid complicated crap.

HOW I'M GONNA GET THROUGH THIS:

1. Live real thrift-like, and cherish the invaluable experience and the comraderie.

2. KEEP OPTIONS OPEN: continue looking for other places to work here that'll give me the big bucks...and pull the ol' switcheroo if I find the perfect deal.

3. Consolidate my AES loans with a company that will acknowledge Americorps and give me deferment as I wanted.

...Either way, I'm stayin here for at least a year. Gonna experience some SHHHYIT!

I'm swimmin alright thank God~
love to all, p.

NEWS FROM NOLA #2

2008-09-16T23:13:00.001-07:00

Today got off to a way rocky start: woke up 2 minutes before i was supposed to be there, so i jumped into my car pronto...only to find that my car battery was drained! This pissed me off greatly because i always try to be so careful about the stupid battery and the car light inside...clay accidentally left it on last night.

"ok fine" i thought. i cant do a thing. i called in to work and took a personal day even though i am not supposed to miss a day of basic training. this made me pretty upset too, but hey, what can i do? it was a rainy day, no one around to help me start my car. i resigned to watching TWIN PEAKS until others woke up...thinking they might be able to help me.

well, meredith's car has a weird thing goin on which makes it impossible for her to jump other people's car. then dan comes home for lunch, but he cant help me until he gets home (at 5-6!) because he didnt have much time and needed to eat for his lunch break. of course. totally understandable. that's fine. i'll take that.

i think what really set me off, though, were the bill collectors. they called me twice, and it really made me upset because there's nothin i can do about it! and they called me twice! ugh. it also upsets me because i came here thinkin americorps would help me with me loans...the awful truth is that they wont help me with the AES loan because AES doesn't acknowledge americorps. can you believe it? i didnt find out til i got here.

americorps should have a disclaimer about that.
aes should acknowledge americorps.
but this isnt a perfect world though is it?

well i cant always have all good days huh? i had a rough start, but it doesnt mean that the rest of the day should go to shit. gonna check out the library today, do laundry, make breakfast balls, wait for dan to get home so i can jump my car, and also maybe visit the rail/plan b. thats a lot of good stuff to look forward to completing...all of which i might not be able to do if i had a day off today...

its always nice to try to look for the sunny side...although its been hard lately. i dont know why. i used to be great at it! lately though, i just havent been as tough.

"n.o. is a tough city, and if you're not tough right back it'll eat you alive," clay told me once. since i got here, i've had great days, good experiences, but also i've fallen off my board a few times (the roads are ROUGH), i've gotten a flat and had to walk my bike home, and to the bike shop...sleeping on a hard wood floor isn't really the best way to sleep either, and it looks like i'll be doing it for about 2 more weeks.

just tryin to tough it out...tryin to be tough.

NEWS FROM NOLA #1

2008-09-09T15:13:00.000-07:00

i always feel nervous about numbering posts; part of me likes it because i like to keep track, but part of me gets nervous cuz of the commitment it entails...will there be more after #1? will it be regular updates? sporadic? same format? ahhhh

currently typing from CITY YEAR HQ. it is on howard avenue, which changes into andrew higgins dr. and confused me SO much yesterday. i reported to work an hour and a half late! drove loops all around the freakin city...then stress management kicked in and just resigned to getting there when i get there.

so many nice people. i really feel like i'm in a good place. yesterday was my first day at work and it was just filling out paperwork and got out of work early. i took the rest of the afternoon for rest and relaxation. it's been a very tough past few weeks, it's taken a toll on my mental sharpness, awareness and physical health. my body and i are craving stability, routine, regularity, food that i cooked myself! eating out has been bad on my wallet too...and here it's no different...things here just as expensive as houston, if not a little bit more.

today we were deployed to baton rouge to help with the sick people who were evacuated to the PMAC building (the stadium/summit/sports court place for LSU in baton rouge) cuz of hurricane gustav. it was a great experience. there were 4 wards were patients were laying on cots. lots of old people, sleeping, sick, some with illnesses like chronic liver disease, diabetes/arthritis, thyroid, some with oxygen tanks, people that needed to be fed, throat cancer talking out of tubes in their throat, needing help with going to the restroom...

the first person i talked to was a man, George. he was sweet. i picked him first to talk to because i saw he was on his bed, praying from these prayer cards. i knew right away he was catholic. i prayed with him to St. Joseph ("you have to pray this before noon") and then we started talking about all the old prayer books he lost to the storms of past (camille, katrina, etc), and really old old books (encyclopedia of witchcraft! very very old herbal healing recipes! books in french!). he told me he was related to 5 popes and recounted his bloodline. he told me about his relatives in houston who own the buffalo shop in avalon shopping strip (on westheimer/kirby) and made me a bit homesick...yet happy to talk about something familiar.

we served lunch to them, fed some people...kept talking to more people. one lady i was feeding a popsicle to, i started singing. a frail, caramel colored old lady with her hair in afro puffs above each ear, and a few good teeth left in her mouth. i started singing old ella fitz/billy holiday/beatles songs, she loved it. i talked about seein cecil taylor in new york, she got to talkin about her brother who was into music, felt truly blessed to be there to cheer her up for just a moment. i told her she was so special and thanked her for blessing me...we shared the same sentiment about each other...

damned if that weren't a touching moment in my city year experience. the power of music...i'll never forget how her petite face lightened up, her old eyebrows and forehead raised at the sound of a familiar tune and this young girl singin them...

the drive to baton rouge was interesting. much traffic because they still don't have power in the area too much. lots of trees, big oak trees, branches, down on the ground, and so were some power lines. saw a blue pontiac firebird, absolutely CRUSHED under a big old tree that fell onto it. i was amazed, and felt a bit more alive--this is the kind of stuff i'd only be seeing on tv back home, and here i am, at the very SITE things happened at...instead of news clips, its right here in my face.

i still have old business to take care of, like defensive driving, and loan bullshit. but other than that, just tryin to not spend so much money, tryin to hold up until i get my first check 2 weeks from now.

everything is going as planned, just as i was hopin since i was in houston...jubilee and meredith are awesome, joey called me up last night and told me a sweet place to skate, been skating everyday, i love sitting at the bars, tryin to play along with the drummers on stage so i can learn even though i dont have my set here yet, clay got a job yesterday just as planned (praise the lord!) and we'll probably set up our own pad in 2 weeks as well.

thank you universe. thanks to faith, positivity. i will still keep these up, and keep sending them to all my friends family ones whom i love.

i said

2008-08-29T08:39:00.000-07:00

i don't believe it'd bring me this far just to leave me...

an act of centering

2008-08-27T15:53:00.000-07:00

I can't believe it! I was worried for nothing. i started work with americorps today--paid training is the best training!

jubilee and meredith are supersweet. they have been so nice to us, letting us hang out and sharing their space with us. as soon as i get myself together, i will make them a lasagna!

i love my job with city year. the people are great. i really feel i was put in the right place at the right time, and feel that i will achieve much personal growth while i'm here. thank God for the opportunities...thank God for the way out...

full force

2008-08-26T11:23:00.000-07:00

when rough waters lie ahead
and the clouds churn above
when darkness takes over
and i'm aching for love

i go inside
love myself
i refuse to hide
i listen to my breath

the water is deep
heavy rain will fall
fears take me over
i suddenly feel small

then i remember it's all love
i suddenly have hope
i find strength in faith
my belief helps me grow

further and further
on and outer on
beyond unfathomable measure
pain turned to light

visualize to realize

2008-08-23T08:49:00.000-07:00

an act of centering.

i want a new life. i want to grow. i want to change into a whole new better person. i want to be more complete in myself. i want to break free. i want that to be the last time i have a breakdown. i want to break out break loose break in break through anything but down! i want new endeavors. i want to grow, to change.

i wish good things for the people i love. i wish continual blessings for them. thanks to the most awesome Creator for touching the lives of my two boys, i am so happy for them. now i hope to be called on as well, like what happened to them. i want to change. i want to grow. i want to be a new person.

i visualize my eyes my ears my mind my heart opening up like sped up frames of a flower blooming like stop motion. an outpouring of my soul to give it all i've got

strength courage wisdom patience understanding the power of discernment meditation focus strong will acceptance i throw myself at the feet of the universe i lay myself down ready to be molded sculpted into someone else so different so grown unrecognizable unstoppable as strong as i was meant to be

so i am going out into the world now.

2008-08-20T00:05:00.000-07:00

here i go. i often feel like life has been one long ride downhill on a longboard going faster and faster every second; every second it's picking up...i grip as hard as i can but worry it's not enough. flashbacks of the last time i hit the ground: i was unconscious and it cost me a first-class speedy ride to the emergency room.

yah life feels pretty much like that lately except i'm not worried about if i'll be able to grip on in life: i KNOW i can. guess it's just all this pre-planning makes me anxious. for all my carefulness, i actually despise planning.

i have faith. i know things are unfolding as it should and all i have to do is take each day as a present so beautiful i cry. and also to keep learning as much as i can from everything, this especially is a peak moment to learn the most i can out of my experiences.

and i hope to get closer to, not drift further away from, the truth.

an act of centering

2008-08-09T09:34:00.000-07:00

in an attempt to have a productive day...

i visualize finishing all the things on my ttd list.
i visualize having a fun time tonight, and safely returning mark's things...
i visualize a successful bike fix.
i visualize swimming later tonight.
i visualize a smooth day here at the library.
i visualize being happy.
i visualize nola.

2008-08-07T08:02:00.000-07:00

No incantations, no potions,
no rituals for raising the dead.
Anyway, what would you do
if they came back to you?

Would you gaze deep into rotten eyes?
Hold a skeleton in your arms?
No warmth from clammy skin,
dust in lieu of a lover's kiss.

There's no future with the dead.
They stubbornly stay in the past.
But don't you know it's also hard for ghosts
to stay away from those they love the most?

A divide stands where they can't cross:
the apathetic Lethe, an abyssmal valley.
They eat gray flowers to carry on,
drink river water to forget.

2008-08-07T07:16:00.000-07:00

Die—you can't do that to a cat.
Since what can a cat do
in an empty apartment?
Climb the walls?
Rub up against the furniture?
Nothing seems different here,
but nothing is the same.
Nothing has been moved,
but there's more space.
And at nighttime no lamps are lit.

Footsteps on the staircase,
but they're new ones.
The hand that puts fish on the saucer
has changed, too.

Something doesn't start
at its usual time.
Something doesn't happen
as it should.
Someone was always, always here,
then suddenly disappeared
and stubbornly stays disappeared.

Every closet has been examined.
Every shelf has been explored.
Excavations under the carpet turned up nothing.
A commandment was even broken,
papers scattered everywhere.
What remains to be done.
Just sleep and wait.

Just wait till he turns up,
just let him show his face.
Will he ever get a lesson
on what not to do to a cat.
Sidle toward him
as if unwilling
and ever so slow
on visibly offended paws,
and no leaps or squeals at least to start.